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these hands / miracles

In the past year, these hands have wiped many tears from my face, held razors between their fingers, been clenched to either resist urges to relapse or to collide with my flesh (or an easier way to say that-to relapse), have been covered in dirt one too many times from falling off my skateboard, have gotten me out of bed and through the days I didn’t want to, have embraced many and pushed away many, and have written one sad poem after another.

But today, these hands give God praise. Four days before the beginning of finals week and hours after a successful meeting with my success coach, an unexpected obstacle (and for now private for the time being) had approached me head-on, putting me under much stress, pressure, hurt, and exposed. I lost all focus for finals week, cried many times in public from my fears of failing my finals sitting right in front of me in information I could not recollect because of the aftermath of this particular experience, could no longer be in my dorm for long periods of time, and felt completely hopeless.

In order to keep my merit scholarship, I needed to have a cumulative GPA of 3.25. Just last semester I barely made the mark with a 3.27. With the grades I was holding in my classes this semester and how I expected my finals to go, I needed a real miracle to either match my GPA from the fall or to raise it even higher. Two days before finals, I truly had believed that it was better for me to just end it all rather than be stuck between being the victim and also the “abuser” and take the shame of losing my scholarship home with me (though I and many others knew that I could easily get my scholarship appealed, I still felt ashamed that I even had to consider that route). This was a battle I could not fight alone.

These hands had to give these problems and frustrations to God. They were just not strong enough to hold the weights of the world. As my final grades were coming in, it became harder to trust. I was fearful that though the grades I was getting were pretty good for such a short notice event to occur in my life that I wouldn’t make that mark. But I literally told God that though I didn’t want to trust him that I was going to because He has never failed me, nor will He ever. The past few days I had been waiting for one more grade to be put in to find out my overall GPA. Last night…well…I’ll let the photo speak for itself.

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Now if you think that’s a miracle, let me give you a little bit of a background on how those grades came to be. The classes I was most fearful of were law and graphic design (which both go towards my minors, how ironic). Talking with my success coach about how I felt my grades were gonna turn out, I had no hope of changing my law grade from a C to at least a B-. I had received a 77 on both my law and BCA exams. At that point, there was definitely no hope after I had calculated my total points in the class from what I had in Blackboard. Last night, he curved my grade to a B. I didn’t feel that I was worthy of a B, let alone a B-. As for my BCA class, the 97 I had received on our data analysis project and my performance in the class is what pretty much saved my grade. My performance in Math had saved my grade as well, though I got an 80 on that exam. As for my graphic design class, my second hardest and most time-consuming and frustrating class, I had received an 85 on the exam. (somehow). My professor for once gave me grace and gave me a 94 on our final project, a project that I was fearful of due to my professor and I’s difference in style. There’s no need to explain why I got an A in English, that’s a given.

It blows my mind how God made a miracle out of something that I felt was not worth trying for. I’ve learned a lot in terms of what I need in my life next year, as well as what I deserve (in this case-I really didn’t deserve to have this all happen to me at once in such a short notice). I’ve had to trust God with a lot of situations in my life-this situation was honestly one of the scariest things to trust Him with. But I am so so blessed to have a God who loves me so much and always provides, even when there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to trust Him when things are hard. I’m so thankful to have a God that leads the way when I’m lost, who always finishes what He starts.

Finishing off a post with saying have faith and know hope has never hit me so hard or meant so much. Seriously, HAVE FAITH, KNOW HOPE.

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Uncategorized

breaking free

Chains. When I used to hear about God breaking chains in people, I never really understood it. I got the concept of it, but its just never been clear to me. Mostly because I can’t really think of chains that NEED to be broken within me. Not until today, at least.

The past few months I’ve been living with a lot of guilt and regret. The decisions I made in my life soon caught up to me and have been attacking me nonstop. I live in a constant daydream where I believe that “so-and-so” will talk to me, “so-and-so” and I will work things out, I will be able to move on, etc. I honestly even find myself saying “omg relationship goals” in shows that I’ve been watching recently. I find myself feeling responsible to make people happy when I am already struggling to be happy as it is. I’ve set a lot of burdens on myself, and in result, I feel more negative about who I am because 1. I’ve hurt quite a lot of people. 2. I am a big “crybaby”. Its something I wish I could escape, but I seem to be stuck.
I’ve been praying nonstop about answers. Solutions. Some sort of stepping stone so I can actually fall asleep at night. Some sort of stepping stone so I can stop chasing after “so-and-so” with my eyes. Some sort of stepping stone so I can stop feeling so triggered by everything I watch/see. But I finally realized something tonight. I realized that its not my fault that some people may not like me. I realized that “so-and-so” may never want to even look at me again. I realized that no matter how much I daydream (which is quite a lot), I can’t change what has happened. Its not my fault that people won’t forgive me for things I’ve done against them.

I need to accept that my life isn’t a fairytale, and not everything I want to happen will happen. I can picture all the perfect scenarios in the world, but none would ever come true. They’re just mirages, really. Most importantly, I need to be accepting of who I am. I can be goofy, I also can be emotional. I need to be accepting of both because if everyone else can, I can too. After all, I’ve been made perfectly. I need to trust God and what he has prepared for me. I need to trust him that the man of my dreams is out there, and joy can be found. There is hope out there for me, even if I can’t see it right now.

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