these hands / miracles

In the past year, these hands have wiped many tears from my face, held razors between their fingers, been clenched to either resist urges to relapse or to collide with my flesh (or an easier way to say that-to relapse), have been covered in dirt one too many times from falling off my skateboard, have gotten me out of bed and through the days I didn’t want to, have embraced many and pushed away many, and have written one sad poem after another.

But today, these hands give God praise. Four days before the beginning of finals week and hours after a successful meeting with my success coach, an unexpected obstacle (and for now private for the time being) had approached me head-on, putting me under much stress, pressure, hurt, and exposed. I lost all focus for finals week, cried many times in public from my fears of failing my finals sitting right in front of me in information I could not recollect because of the aftermath of this particular experience, could no longer be in my dorm for long periods of time, and felt completely hopeless.

In order to keep my merit scholarship, I needed to have a cumulative GPA of 3.25. Just last semester I barely made the mark with a 3.27. With the grades I was holding in my classes this semester and how I expected my finals to go, I needed a real miracle to either match my GPA from the fall or to raise it even higher. Two days before finals, I truly had believed that it was better for me to just end it all rather than be stuck between being the victim and also the “abuser” and take the shame of losing my scholarship home with me (though I and many others knew that I could easily get my scholarship appealed, I still felt ashamed that I even had to consider that route). This was a battle I could not fight alone.

These hands had to give these problems and frustrations to God. They were just not strong enough to hold the weights of the world. As my final grades were coming in, it became harder to trust. I was fearful that though the grades I was getting were pretty good for such a short notice event to occur in my life that I wouldn’t make that mark. But I literally told God that though I didn’t want to trust him that I was going to because He has never failed me, nor will He ever. The past few days I had been waiting for one more grade to be put in to find out my overall GPA. Last night…well…I’ll let the photo speak for itself.

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Now if you think that’s a miracle, let me give you a little bit of a background on how those grades came to be. The classes I was most fearful of were law and graphic design (which both go towards my minors, how ironic). Talking with my success coach about how I felt my grades were gonna turn out, I had no hope of changing my law grade from a C to at least a B-. I had received a 77 on both my law and BCA exams. At that point, there was definitely no hope after I had calculated my total points in the class from what I had in Blackboard. Last night, he curved my grade to a B. I didn’t feel that I was worthy of a B, let alone a B-. As for my BCA class, the 97 I had received on our data analysis project and my performance in the class is what pretty much saved my grade. My performance in Math had saved my grade as well, though I got an 80 on that exam. As for my graphic design class, my second hardest and most time-consuming and frustrating class, I had received an 85 on the exam. (somehow). My professor for once gave me grace and gave me a 94 on our final project, a project that I was fearful of due to my professor and I’s difference in style. There’s no need to explain why I got an A in English, that’s a given.

It blows my mind how God made a miracle out of something that I felt was not worth trying for. I’ve learned a lot in terms of what I need in my life next year, as well as what I deserve (in this case-I really didn’t deserve to have this all happen to me at once in such a short notice). I’ve had to trust God with a lot of situations in my life-this situation was honestly one of the scariest things to trust Him with. But I am so so blessed to have a God who loves me so much and always provides, even when there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to trust Him when things are hard. I’m so thankful to have a God that leads the way when I’m lost, who always finishes what He starts.

Finishing off a post with saying have faith and know hope has never hit me so hard or meant so much. Seriously, HAVE FAITH, KNOW HOPE.


year one perspective

As of Wednesday, I had completed my freshman year of college and let me just say that I envy those who can sum up their freshman year in a simple Facebook or Instagram post with countless photos. While the good majority of some key events of my freshman year had been documented through my blog in some pretty upsetting and depressing posts, I wanted to make a post that also included some more positive updates and go back to some of the best memories I’ve had this past year.

Like I talked about in my previous post, I came to CMU hoping to recover and heal from my past back at home. And this year, I found that recovery wasn’t easy. I ended up being mistreated and hurt by others, and it slowed down not only my healing process but also affected my academic success. For the first part of the year, I ended up handling all of my emotions alone (perks of being too scared to schedule an appointment with a counselor-let alone talk to anyone). One desperate prayer New Years Eve became a text asking if I’d be joining life groups the following semester, regularly scheduled meetings with a counselor (after a series of unfortunate events already previously talked about), and a more open relationship with my Mom-who also doubles as my mentor. I also have an amazing success coach that I’ve been meeting with and will continue to meet with next year who has helped me rescue my grades to the best of my abilities (I was very unlucky the week before finals-that’s another story) BUT who has already helped me a ton with my performance in my classes-so so grateful for him.

Remember when I felt confused on why they wouldn’t be rooming with me and what God’s big plan was for all of this? Long story short-I understand now. And one of the things I’m most excited about for next year is taking what I’ve learned about who I am and what I ask for as a roommate and applying it to next semester. I’ve learned that I’m easy going-I generally mold myself around what my roommates ask for in a roommate. And because things with my roommates didn’t end so peacefully as expected (thanks for still being my friend even after this year Emilee), it’s made me less fearful of my roommates next year. While its still a work in progress, I’m working with the resources given to me to be the best version of myself-not only for myself, but for those around me. I now know what I deserve, I know that my worth is more than being treated any less than what I deserve as a human being.

While there are many memories that are very much worthy of being talked about, I think the best way to recap my year is by talking about my top ten memories from this year-with pictures, of course.

10. Pretty much any football game from this year.

Give or take that I was fresh with friends and was before the middle of the semester came crashing down on my friends and myself. rip our GPA’s.

9. My rise to fame. Also a primary source of communication.


Eager friend-less Hayley began making art and leaving it on the white board on the front of our door for her fellow floor-mates to take and put in their dorms for décor. This became notes on my board and letters under my door asking for more art. (Obviously, I couldn’t leave my fans hanging and made more). I unfortunately never found out who was taking my art. Sad.

8. My new frens. (Can’t forget the frens from back home who came up to see me-bless u)

Without a doubt, I’ve met some of the most amazing group of people ever. These pictures don’t even include the many other individuals I’ve met through social media. These people are what made my year so great. I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Maybe if someone offered to pay for my college, though. (I’m sorry).

7. Every nap that I’ve been able to crunch in ever. Even if it was at 12am. [not pictured].

6. That one time Emilee and I had a hermit crab together.

Emilee let me name it Sonic, despite finding out it was a female later on. Long story short, it only lasted a few weeks before it died. RIP.

5. Traveling pretty much anywhere.

Anyone from CMU can tell you that there is pretty much nothing to do in Mt.Pleasant-which is pretty much true. Luckily, I did a lot of adventuring on my own and pretty much know the ins and outs of downtown and the three parks the last two weeks before I left. I also went to Midland for the first time in the beginning of the semester and I can’t lie-it was pretty neato.

4. That one time I solved the Rubik’s cube.


I’m tellin’ ya-I took this cube to dinner with me for two weeks trying to solve it. Five notecards, three websites, and one friend later I finally solved it. I eventually went to solve the Pyraminx (thank you Jessie for the gift) and I ended up replacing the cube above with a much nicer and smoother-moving cube (thank you Andrew for being the MVP).

3. That one time I cried over my broken Ocarina. Or any time I’ve bursted into tears ever.

These are actually frames of a video Emilee took of me after I walked out of my room in tears after finding my ocarina broken under my bed (thanks a lot, Jt). Luckily, he replaced it, and we forever have this memory in an 8-second clip. If you ever get the chance to see it for yourself it’s definitely worth the watch, unless if you were stuck watching me look up at the ceiling and start crying like my roommates were. The only other time I’ve ever cried like this was when I wasn’t able to take a 10-minute shower without our shower filling up with water or when I got super sappy over my high school band director. I’m a mess.

2. Concerts, concerts, CONCERTS.

Once upon an August, Jt ended up buying me tickets to see Our Last Night for my birthday, but the most important part about this concert was that The Color Morale was opening for them (along with Hands Like Houses-who I dearly love, and Out Came the Wolves). I’ve also included a photo of Jt after being rammed into the barricade, a sad but rad moment (mostly for me). Then came another time when Brady persuaded me to go with him to see I Prevail-which eventually was rescheduled a month later-and this time we had friends tag along. As much as I love The Color Morale, this was by far one of the best concerts I’ve been to so far, not to mention the amazing group of people I went with. I was blessed to have met some great people-both from the bands and not. 11/10 would do again.

  1. Any moment with Jt ever.

Jt and I go back to June of last year when we met on an app meant for making friends and finding roommates and we had three of the same classes together-just at different times. That mistake alone has given me the greatest friend I could ever ask for, and without Jt, I wouldn’t have gotten to where I am. Just as he’s learned from me, I’ve learned from him. He’s taught me how to be tough, defend myself, and let loose. I’ve never been so goofy and so angry at anyone in my life than him. These pictures aren’t even half of the amazing memories we’ve had in less than a year. I am so so thankful for Jt-and I can’t wait to live next door to him and play melee and Mario party together.

I won’t lie-this year was nothing like I had hoped it would be. But I can’t deny some amazing memories and lessons have come from this year. I’m thankful for everyone who has been a part of my freshman year, everyone who has helped me out in one way or another. And for you, reader, I am thankful for you. Thank you all so much for reading what’s been on my heart, for the support, and for the love. I can’t wait to share with all of you the many things I’ve been working on.

As always, have faith, and know hope. From your sophomore-in-college. (so weird to say that now)


hello, my name is _______.

I won’t lie-the past two months have been unbelievably wild.

I returned to Central confident in my recovery in my mental health, especially through the closer bond I had with my roommates and friends from the month prior after a particular event, joining life groups at His House, and a brand new semester with classes I chose this time around. After a month and a half, I found my life spiraling down to a place I never thought I’d ever be in, and in a way it was a place where I could experience the pain that came along with the season and learn from it at the same time rather than learn my lesson right after like things usually had been. Let me give you a summary of the month of February for me.

As told in my previous post, the news of my roommate not living with me next  year made me fearful for my future, left me doubting and questioning if my current friends even liked me and who my real friends were, and resulted in the rapid decline of my self worth, identity, and especially my mental health. My situation concerning my love life took a toll on my health as well, pushing me to my limits. This resulted in relapses, confrontations, opening up, isolating, lots of tears, and mostly trying to gain back the self control I once had to not hurt myself or be angry at others for their actions towards me. Self harm became a kind of addiction I had never experienced before and put me in a place where I struggled to be comfortable in my own body because of these unwanted thoughts and feelings.

Long story short-an organization on campus became involved with my situation, resulting in meetings with my RHD concerning where I was at in my life and what kind of help I needed. I can say that I’m grateful for the concern and the stability I have now that I regularly meet with a counselor, but everything that has come with that has been something very difficult to handle for me. I once was willing to be open to talk about issues that came up from anonymous reports filed about me, but after noticing that my RHD no longer wanted to talk about my progress and rather primarily about small issues, I feel hesitant to do so. I grew tired of hearing about people turning me in without a name, I mainly grew tired of feeling like a threat. I understand the need to make sure the community is a safe place for everyone, yeah, but I am not safe. I do not feel comfortable in my dorm without feeling like someone is listening in to my conversations with my roommates outside of my door. I do not feel comfortable knowing that when I open up my emails I could have another email from my RHD asking to “catch up”. I do not feel comfortable knowing that someone could take me away at any moment if they have even the slightest feeling that I could harm myself or others. But they will say that this is the consequences of my actions, right?

And that’s what pisses me off.

It upsets me that no matter how willing I am to cooperate with authority and seek out help, how much I’ve progressed, everything filed about me hovers over me, it’s become my identity and my name. I am a threat to the Beddow Hall community. I am looked at as someone that could be dangerous if pushed too far past her limits. I will never know how these kind of reports continue to be filed about me, who has so much of a “concern” about me to refuse to knock on my door and tell me their problems with me but can listen into everything I say, watch everything I do.  All of this may sound all over the place, but can you blame me when I have so little answers?

Why is it that those who struggle and strive to heal and get better always wear that burden? Where’s the encouragement? Where is the LOVE? Why is it so easy for those to point fingers but so hard to love and accept those who may fall from time to time? Or did I happen to end up in a community I feel unsafe with for a  reason?

My heart hurts. It hurts for those who feel like I do. It hurts for those long past their dark days and their past still lingers. It hurts for all of my friends and family that I drag along with me through this season. But like I said in my previous post, this season has made me extremely humble. It’s led me to a place where I can learn to love others on a deeper level. I can communicate with people in a whole other language. Most of all, this season has been showing me that despite what the world labels me as, what this “community” looks at me as, that God has wiped away all of my transgressions and has made me clean. My God says that my sin does not define me nor control me or my future. My God continues to mend those broken pieces and make me whole.

I think that many times those who struggle feel a lot like I do and that they will never fit into society because of the labels put on them and what everyone claims they are, true or not. And despite a part of me wanting to cry and relapse and wear the name they labeled me, there’s also the stronger part of me that shuts out those lies. In order to fully understand your worth, you have to shut out those lies. You have to have at least a little bit of respect for yourself to not let anyone make you feel any less than you really are. You have to stand firm in your identity in Christ, you have to stand firm in your beliefs and yourself. You mostly have to remember that its going to get better. I have a month and a half left of this pain and fear for my life, and despite my fears that the news will get around and my RA and RHD will be on me about what I went through this year, I have to trust God through it all. Leaning on Him entirely is how I’ve continued to not let my depression overcome me in these difficult times, even though I want to give up and let the darkness consume me. You are not what anyone says about you. Only God can judge.

If anyone else is experiencing a situation like I am, I’d love to talk about it with you. Never be afraid to talk to anyone out of fear of judgement. I’d love to get to know you. And as always, have faith. Know hope.



from me, to you: a motivational message

If there’s one thing I can say that can be addressed towards everyone, it’s this.

You are capable of overcoming your fears and your chains. What you battle has nothing on you compared to the person you’ll transform into once you’ve overcome those chains. You were born to battle the things you battle because God knows you can overcome it. Nothing on this Earth will ultimately help you get better. No drug, no relationship, no fictional TV character, nothing. Everything on this Earth is temporary. The first step is believing in your own strength, even if you feel like it’s not there. Often we depend on earthly things to help cope with our struggles because we believe that it truly does help. We continue to say that, and we still wake up and feel weighed down, and we go back to these earthly things, and we numb ourselves with that, and repeat. That’s the art of living in the 21st century.

I often doubt my own strength. But when I see the person that I’ve become BECAUSE I no longer believed the lies told to me, the lies that I would never recover, I would always be depressed, anxious, I wasn’t worthy to walk amongst everyone else. I’ve hit rock bottom multiple times. Completely given up. Relapsed, gave myself to earthly things, I let everyone and everything consume every inch of me because there was nothing left I could give to the world so eager for me to end it all. But the promises God has given to me, which has always been that I would be given happiness, HAS ALWAYS BEEN FULFILLED TO ITS FULLEST. HE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT. He has never given me anything to battle that he knew I couldn’t beat. In those times, I can completely lean on him to guide me. His confidence in me alone is my driving force. I trust in his confidence in me to overcome my daily battles.

Whether you believe in God or not, you will always be promised joy in your life. No matter how long it takes, how it happens. Always believe that you can do anything you put your mind to. And if that’s defeating anxiety, depression, doubts, etc., YOU WILL CONQUER! You are better than the things you do to temporarily numb your (also temporary) pain. If you can’t trust yourself just a little bit that you can get better, just a faint bit of hope, you never will. It’s one of those things you have to really slap yourself in the face for to really grasp it. Please please please don’t let this world tell you that you are not good enough, that you are not strong enough. Don’t let it break your beautiful heart. Have faith that everything I’m saying is true. That you will never be alone. And if you feel that you are now, you’re not. Don’t ever tell yourself that bullcrap. Never ever never.

Stand up, my love. Chin up. Faith. Confidence. Trust. Self-love. HOPE.



jesus: a declaration


Year four. Four years of celebrating a new life in your light. Within these four years, you have stood beside me in every single trial you have put me through, teaching me and helping me grow so that I can be your hands, I can do what you have called me to do.


You have healed the wounds I had inflicted on myself-inwardly and outwardly-so that I could embrace those who are broken. You have given me a voice that breaks down walls and soften hearts without me even opening my mouth.


You have changed my life in a way that’s unbelievable even for my eyes. You have given me so many crazy opportunities, given me some pretty amazing people in my life, and you continue to remind me of your presence in my life through big and little gestures.


You have watched me fall apart. You have watched me curse your name, doubt your capabilities as my heavenly Father. You’ve watched me break down, you’ve watched me relapse. You stood beside me in times when my depression had the best of me, when I was afraid.

and Jesus,

This doesn’t feel like another season, even though it is. It has almost felt like a cycle. It’s my life. Often I feel like I cannot stand over Satan in victory for longer than a month.


I have been tempted. I have fallen apart. I have disbelieved in your purpose for my life time and time again. I have doubted my capabilities to overcome any obstacle in my way. I have doubted my strength physically and mentally. I have relapsed. I live in isolation.  I have made myself believe that my loneliness is the closest I can get to comfort. I have given in to what Satan and the world says about me. I have given up, and I have given in to the belief that I am completely alone.

but Jesus,

These feelings are nothing that you haven’t fixed in the past. No matter how long it took, you had always proved your power to restore the broken, in this case myself, to me. You’ve always opened my eyes and given me understanding to my pain. You have never failed to fill my heart with your love. You’ve picked me up from where I had fallen, and because of that I have been able to rejoice and dance in your presence. You’ve always made my battle with depression so worth it.

and because of all of this, this is my declaration to you. This is where I throw down the towel, drop everything off of my shoulders.


I surrender my entire heart, mind, and soul to you. I believe in your power to restore my heart and strengthen it. I ask you to give me the patience to wait for what you have for me, to be able to wait for you to finish your masterpiece that is myself. You have never broken your promises to me, from the moment you promised me you would make me happy again if I surrendered to you four years ago to now. You have given me your entire heart, your love. Your own life. For my mistakes. I trust in your plan, I trust in your perfect timing. I trust you in every situation I’m in. I trust you with everything you call me to do. I will continue to strive because you have never given up on me. I will continue to dance and rejoice in your light (even if I don’t know how to dance), I will be true to myself and who I am. You have made me perfect, and my pain does not compare to what you have in store for me.

I ask that you help me accept the things I can’t change, change the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference between both. I ask you to give me the ability to love others and myself, even when I don’t want to.

I am ready for what you have for me. No more childish games. I’m ready to get my hands dirty.


I want to fall in love with you all over again, just as I have after every season. But deeper.



it is well: the journey of inner peace

“The soles
of my shoes
no longer separate
You and I
let us dance.”


This story leaves off after my post Breaking Free, pretty much dreading every day that was passing by. Crying every night before bed to relieve myself of the heaviness I felt in my heart, just barely putting effort into school work because I wanted to lay in bed all day, that kind of stuff. It almost felt like a drag walking across stage to get my diploma. I often felt very broken hearted being around generally happy people, mostly because I couldn’t escape whatever feeling I was feeling. Yet I also didn’t know exactly why I was feeling the way I was feeling. In the end I had to remove some people from my life to recover, and I tried to find positive ways to cope with the way I was feeling. And sometimes those positive coping tactics didn’t work. And I’d cry. And struggle to keep myself together. And most importantly, drift away from God. For a while I felt very separated from him, and that kind of loneliness was a kind of loneliness that I’ve never felt before and had a hard time getting out of.

Feeling sad in some way ended up becoming a daily routine that I couldn’t run from. While I love to Instagram because I enjoy taking pictures, it also became my worst enemy. Pretty much all of my social media platforms were like that, mostly because of what I say on a day to day basis. My first mistake was never removing the people I should’ve been removing. Second mistake was continuing to use these apps even though they hurt my heart. But even with talking about how I felt through here didn’t do my heart much justice. Even confronting who I felt hurt about didn’t help me out much either. I felt that I had no one to really back me up. It was me, my God that I felt like wasn’t there, and the road I was on. I felt triggered by things I saw that I didn’t like, and that made me feel very sheltered in. Talking to new people and their intentions of being friends with me had made me question my worth, if I was nothing more than a girlfriend, an object, a cute girl. And these kinds of conversations were reasons why I cried at night. I genuinely did not feel good enough to be just friends with someone. Because of these thoughts I drifted off of the thought of who God said I was. I would often have meltdowns and a lot of times I was really scared that I’d never calm down from it. I would rock, shake my head, stare off until I started crying again, you name it. But while some of these things happened to me, I was honestly improving dramatically since March, and that was the most amazing feeling of my life.

I can’t honestly pin point when things started really changing for me. During these meltdowns I’d often talk to God, tell him how I feel and pray for what I wish I felt like. I knew my goal, and that goal was to remove feeling triggered by generally small things, keep meltdowns to its very minimum, and to love myself and pursue His glory. And he’d present himself to me and his presence in my life with the smallest gestures. My time at Disney was these kind of moments. I think another thing that kind of steered me into the direction I’m going towards now is the realization that I am the only one that can fix myself and to not assume everyone is the same and that God puts people into my life for a reason. And then this really cool thing happened. I met an amazing friend. And they’ve completely changed my perspective on my entire existence. Just from how interested they were in knowing me, who I was, how I felt, and speaking life into me. Not only that, but I got to do the same for them without feeling afraid of their intentions. It was a moment like that really showed me what kind of impact I had on people, that God knows what he’s doing.  And that was what strived me to continue forward, and I did.

Now we’re here. I can’t exactly remember the last time I had a meltdown, I don’t feel so stressed out (besides the struggle of moving on towards college), I’m starting to realize who I am and the purpose God has for me, and while the season outside is changing, the season I’ve been going through for the past 9 months is starting to pass too. I have this desire to lean on God on all of my troubles, to get to know him and to reminensce the moments we have one on one. Not only has my interactions with people have changed since March, but the way I worship has too. It feels more at ease. Its comfortable. It makes me shiver and cry but it makes me sing a whole different way. I have never felt so at peace in my life.  Even after explaining the past four months of my life I’m not really sure how I can explain how I got through besides the glory of God and always reminding myself that it is well. Even when I can’t see my future before me, I have to trust that it is well and things will all fall into place.

(did I mention I’m always singing that song 24/7? Even squeezing it into different worship songs because I love it so much?)

And I mean, I guess I can give myself a ‘lil credit for waking up every day and choosing to get out of bed. Maybe.


“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 3:14