healing, Uncategorized

the voice awakens

*this post contains explicit content. what is shared within this post may be triggering to those who have been sexually harassed or assaulted, please read at your own discretion.

This story begins around 3 o’clock on April 26th when I met with my success coach to discuss where I needed to be academically in order to keep my scholarship for next year. But nothing in that two hour meeting could prepare me for what I would experience later that day.

So there I was…doing a take home exam for my graphic design class at 11:40pm. All at once, I received six text messages from six different people:

“Hey”… “Saw ur ad on cl”… “hey sweetheart”.

So I’m sitting here asking myself two things…where did they come from, and what the heck “cl” meant? (really, I had no clue). So I obviously asked who they were and what “cl” meant. All responded by telling me that they saw my ad on Craigslist. Mind you, that I have never used Craigslist a day in my life. As I’m trying to tell the first six responders that I’ve never used Craigslist before and asking them to send me the link to the ad, my phone is blowing up with dozens of new texts, nude pictures included.

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The first thing I do is make a list in my head of all the guys that would’ve put me on Craigslist. Many of the men asked me if it was my ex who did it and/or who the hell I pissed off to get put on there. No matter what I did, I kept running into dead end after dead end trying to find out who was behind the ad. The situation worsened when I was notified of a second ad, this time including my snapchat.

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At this point I was already copying and pasting the same response over and over to everyone. I had over 20 nude photos all from separate men (and one woman) that night.  I was getting calls, voicemails, and snapchats during all of this. My roommates, who were with me the moment it started, couldn’t think of anyone who would’ve possibly done this. As we tried to figure out what to do, it was suggested that I contact a mutual friend who might be able to help. This girl was a friend of mine that possibly had the ability to get into the account and take down the ads. So I did just that, but the messages continued. There was a third ad. 

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Luckily, this was the last ad. Oddly enough, this one was placed in Detroit’s Craigslist, unlike the other two. This messed me up even more because at this point I didn’t know if it was someone I knew back home doing this or college. I was frustrated, tired, and very very worried about my take home exam that I had yet to touch since I got the first six messages. Many of the people who responded to the ads thought that I was lying, that I was posting them myself, and no matter what I said, they didn’t believe me.

At this point, I was no longer being nice-this had gone on far too long. As I stood my ground, they did too. Now after you see these next screenshots, keep in mind, I am now in fight mode. The amount of men messaging me increased to 150+. At that point, it is not easy to be self-controlled or to ignore them. Its not easy to ignore when you feel so disrespected by whoever made the ads. It is not easy when someone uses your name to make you out to be someone eager for sex. 

I erased many of the messages at this point because my phone was freaking out (and I mean FREAKING out), these are only a small portion of what I was being sent (the police have a lot more of these conversations…more about that later on). This all went on until 3am when I went to bed.

…and they still messaged me throughout the night until I woke up at 6:30 for class.

…and throughout class until 9.

…and until 1pm when I woke up from a nap.

…THEN I had enough.

I spoke to the person I had asked to take down the ads the night before. She told me that the ads were removed. You would’ve thought that the messages would’ve stopped by now, but they didn’t. So a wonderful friend of mine came with me to the police department to file a report (bless u, dear friend). After talking to the police, the texts had finally stopped.

When the person I had asked to take down the ads was notified that I went to the police, they FREAKED OUT. Because I don’t know the ins and outs of the hacking world, I was led to believe that my friend’s IP address could now be used to incriminate her. I now had the thought that I just screwed over my friend. I thought that because of this I had ruined any chance of finding the person who did it. I asked for advice from both my Dad, a retired police officer, and my half brother, currently a police officer. After talking to them, I felt better knowing that one way or another, that the police could find who actually did this; that my friend would be safe.

…this is where everything went downhill.

I was asked to meet with my roommates for coffee. I was then told that they believed that the girl I had take down the ads was the same one who put me on Craigslist.

…a girl.

…not a guy I had expected and somewhat hoped it would be.

…a girl, who was also my friend.

I had full intentions of pressing charges when I believed it was a guy. I didn’t exactly prepare myself for it to be a girl, letalone someone I thought was my friend. At 1am while I was with a  friend, I was told that she had confessed.

The next day, I contacted the police officer working on my case to let him know that I found out who it was. I told him I did not want to press charges against her. But at that point, they were already moving forward with legal action. I had barely touched my exam. I was way far behind studying than I should’ve been. I had an overabundant amount of stress about my exams and now whether or not I should be pressing charges and what that would mean for my friend.

I found out the reason for the ads was for “a good laugh”.

As for the reason for three ads…well…she didn’t think many people would reply so she made multiple. This didn’t satisfy me or make me feel any better about the whole incident. 

At this point I had mixed feelings about pressing charges.  It felt like everyone was suddenly sympathizing for her, feeling sorry for this “poor girl” that what she did would get this far…

They wanted me to let it go.

That night, I stormed off with my skateboard and didn’t contact anyone for hours. I left hoping that maybe that night my life would end, that someone would take me away and I wouldn’t have to make anyone worry about whether I was pressing charges or not. I allowed myself to soak in the pain of falling off my board because it was the closest thing I had to self-harming. I think it was that night alone that told me that I needed to go through with pressing charges. While everyone else wanted to forget about the whole thing, I still couldn’t stop thinking about it.

In my life I have allowed  people to walk all over me and hurt me in the cruelest ways without stopping them. But now, to be robbed of what was yours and then being made to feel like you’re being told that it doesn’t compare to what the other person is now going through; that its not as bad as their pain? (i’m sorry for this)…that’s just shitty.

The day before finals, I met with a friend and his girlfriend to study. I was so frustrated that I was so far behind and I couldn’t do anything but cry. Mind you, in the middle of the library with students at every desk. It was somewhat embarrassing on my part, maybe for the girl too (i’m still sorry for that if you’re reading this). I had never had so much anxiety in my life than I did in that entire week. I truly believed after that session in the library that I was going to lose my scholarship. I met with the investigator the next day to ask about another option that didn’t require me to press charges but still gave me the justice I deserved. I was left with not many options but to either press charges or not.

For once in my life I had to use my voice.

I decided to press charges for the sake of my heart, my hurt, my dignity. I didn’t tell anyone but my Mom that I pressed charges until later on in the day, and that was the last time I slept in my dorm until Thursday night. I went to a friend’s place, I slept on the floor that night, getting only three hours of sleep the night before a really important exam (highest exam score I had out of all of my exams, though #boom). 

The past four months I have struggled with the trauma of that night. I freeze up when older men stare at me for too long, call me sweetheart or dear, and depending what they looked like (many guys sent me selfies), I could see them behind the screen messaging me or sending me nude photos. Even now I still get very tense when those kind of things happen.

I felt like I did not matter.

For quite a while I blamed myself for whatever I did to deserve being put out there like that. I felt that I was unimportant and not worth fighting for; which resulted in suicidal thoughts and coping with self-harm.

I was angry.

I became more defensive of how people treated me. I lost a lot of my friends that I had last year, and felt very alone. I struggle to understand what about me this girl didn’t like…to put me out on the internet like that.

I was scared.

I was scared that my new roommates and friends will think I’m too emotional and not like me for the same reasons she did and either hurt me, leave me, or both. The weeks leading up to the sentencing, I didn’t sleep. I was scared that if I left out any detail about what I’ve experienced and how its affected me, that she would win and get less than I felt she deserved. 

But I am healing.

God has shown me a lot about this entire experience. By going forth with pressing charges, I was using my voice in a way that would speak for myself, who I am, and what I deserve for the rest of my life. It was my declaration that I would no longer allow people to walk on me like that. To set boundaries. To learn to fight for justice for my own heart but with love and not vengeance.

Luke was an important chapter for me through this whole experience. From Luke 12:11 “When you are brought before synagogues, rulers and authorities, do not worry about how you will defend yourselves or what you will say, for the Holy Spirit will teach you at that time what you should say”, to Luke 22 when Peter is told he will betray Jesus three times (note: my “friend” betrayed me three times-when she put me on craigslist, when she got involved as if she was innocent, and when she tried to play the victim, I the enemy), to when Jesus prayed at the Mount of Olives and says to God “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”, to when Jesus was on the Cross and said “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing”. It’s helped me to center myself in the days leading up to the court date and how to feel and react when seeing her for the first time face-to-face since April. 

Like the days prior to going to court, I had little sleep and was very scared for what could come out of that day. And all I can really say is that I cried…a lot. Its hard to stand in the court room against someone who you trusted, who you thought liked you, who still does not believe to an extent that she is to blame.

She got a lesser punishment than I had wanted for her, but that does not mean that I am hurt by that.

I have been asked if I feel like justice was served, if I am happy with the sentencing. And honestly, I cannot answer that. I feel lighter and more at ease than I have for awhile now, but I know that there’s still more to walk through. I know that I still have a lot of healing to do, but I know that this is all in God’s hands. I guess that I am at ease knowing that her sentencing is His will and she got what she was sentenced for a reason. I trust in His future for her, and I trust Him for mine. I’m happy for a new start that God has been setting up for me since the moment I left CMU. I’m grateful for the friends I still have and for the wonderful roommates I am blessed to get to live with this year, and I am thankful for what God has made out of me through this season. 

I’m hopeful in His plans.

 

 

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Uncategorized

hello, my name is _______.

I won’t lie-the past two months have been unbelievably wild.

I returned to Central confident in my recovery in my mental health, especially through the closer bond I had with my roommates and friends from the month prior after a particular event, joining life groups at His House, and a brand new semester with classes I chose this time around. After a month and a half, I found my life spiraling down to a place I never thought I’d ever be in, and in a way it was a place where I could experience the pain that came along with the season and learn from it at the same time rather than learn my lesson right after like things usually had been. Let me give you a summary of the month of February for me.

As told in my previous post, the news of my roommate not living with me next  year made me fearful for my future, left me doubting and questioning if my current friends even liked me and who my real friends were, and resulted in the rapid decline of my self worth, identity, and especially my mental health. My situation concerning my love life took a toll on my health as well, pushing me to my limits. This resulted in relapses, confrontations, opening up, isolating, lots of tears, and mostly trying to gain back the self control I once had to not hurt myself or be angry at others for their actions towards me. Self harm became a kind of addiction I had never experienced before and put me in a place where I struggled to be comfortable in my own body because of these unwanted thoughts and feelings.

Long story short-an organization on campus became involved with my situation, resulting in meetings with my RHD concerning where I was at in my life and what kind of help I needed. I can say that I’m grateful for the concern and the stability I have now that I regularly meet with a counselor, but everything that has come with that has been something very difficult to handle for me. I once was willing to be open to talk about issues that came up from anonymous reports filed about me, but after noticing that my RHD no longer wanted to talk about my progress and rather primarily about small issues, I feel hesitant to do so. I grew tired of hearing about people turning me in without a name, I mainly grew tired of feeling like a threat. I understand the need to make sure the community is a safe place for everyone, yeah, but I am not safe. I do not feel comfortable in my dorm without feeling like someone is listening in to my conversations with my roommates outside of my door. I do not feel comfortable knowing that when I open up my emails I could have another email from my RHD asking to “catch up”. I do not feel comfortable knowing that someone could take me away at any moment if they have even the slightest feeling that I could harm myself or others. But they will say that this is the consequences of my actions, right?

And that’s what pisses me off.

It upsets me that no matter how willing I am to cooperate with authority and seek out help, how much I’ve progressed, everything filed about me hovers over me, it’s become my identity and my name. I am a threat to the Beddow Hall community. I am looked at as someone that could be dangerous if pushed too far past her limits. I will never know how these kind of reports continue to be filed about me, who has so much of a “concern” about me to refuse to knock on my door and tell me their problems with me but can listen into everything I say, watch everything I do.  All of this may sound all over the place, but can you blame me when I have so little answers?

Why is it that those who struggle and strive to heal and get better always wear that burden? Where’s the encouragement? Where is the LOVE? Why is it so easy for those to point fingers but so hard to love and accept those who may fall from time to time? Or did I happen to end up in a community I feel unsafe with for a  reason?

My heart hurts. It hurts for those who feel like I do. It hurts for those long past their dark days and their past still lingers. It hurts for all of my friends and family that I drag along with me through this season. But like I said in my previous post, this season has made me extremely humble. It’s led me to a place where I can learn to love others on a deeper level. I can communicate with people in a whole other language. Most of all, this season has been showing me that despite what the world labels me as, what this “community” looks at me as, that God has wiped away all of my transgressions and has made me clean. My God says that my sin does not define me nor control me or my future. My God continues to mend those broken pieces and make me whole.

I think that many times those who struggle feel a lot like I do and that they will never fit into society because of the labels put on them and what everyone claims they are, true or not. And despite a part of me wanting to cry and relapse and wear the name they labeled me, there’s also the stronger part of me that shuts out those lies. In order to fully understand your worth, you have to shut out those lies. You have to have at least a little bit of respect for yourself to not let anyone make you feel any less than you really are. You have to stand firm in your identity in Christ, you have to stand firm in your beliefs and yourself. You mostly have to remember that its going to get better. I have a month and a half left of this pain and fear for my life, and despite my fears that the news will get around and my RA and RHD will be on me about what I went through this year, I have to trust God through it all. Leaning on Him entirely is how I’ve continued to not let my depression overcome me in these difficult times, even though I want to give up and let the darkness consume me. You are not what anyone says about you. Only God can judge.

If anyone else is experiencing a situation like I am, I’d love to talk about it with you. Never be afraid to talk to anyone out of fear of judgement. I’d love to get to know you. And as always, have faith. Know hope.

 

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Uncategorized

my new recognized fear

Generally, I know a lot of people. I have many acquaintances and a wide arrange of friends, but only a few close friends. Since moving to Mt.Pleasant, I’ve met a widespread of amazing (and few that are terrible) people. Whether it was through Instagram, Tinder (yeah, I get it, Tinder isn’t a place for making friends-still did), group chats, church, and even through just being neighbors. Despite the fact that I lack the ability to communicate with others in a way where I don’t look or feel uncomfortable when it comes to meeting new people, I manage to grab my friend’s attention in one way or another. But this problem of not knowing how to maintain friendships that aren’t through a screen has caused many of the friends I have to collect dust, expecting them to come to me if they want to keep talking because I’m not good with determining if someone likes me or not. This has resulted in my “clique” at CMU to be myself, my roommates, my neighbors, and my lovely friend Jt who lives in a galaxy far away-also known as the north side of campus.

So here’s a rundown of the problem with my “clique”: I was romantically involved with my neighbor, obviously didn’t work out at all. One suitemate is moving out of state, the other is moving into apartments, in the span of two weeks I found out my roommate was planning to transfer her junior year, (which terrified me with knowing that I’d be roomie-less my junior year), and then found out she was moving into apartments-with my bestie that is my current neighbor. This news had sent me into a spiraling panic mode, realizing that the people I’ve poured my heart to, who’ve accepted me for every weird part of me, who have helped me through my difficult times and relapses throughout the year, would no longer be with me. It didn’t matter if two of them would still be attending the same school. It didn’t matter if my best friend would be living next door in the fall. What mattered was my fear of who would be my roommate next year, if my future suitemates would accept me like my roommates have, and who would be there first-hand to help me if I was having problems that wasn’t a boy (sorry Jt). This opened my eyes to a fear I never thought I particularly had when it came to friend groups and the reason behind my desires for a stable and working relationship: I was afraid of feeling more lonely than I already secretly did.

From time to time I would feel lonely when I was going through difficult seasons because I was afraid to reach out to my friends for help, resulting in me isolating myself. When it came to Swartz Creek, I was better off not having any friends because the culture of that school is not something I agree with and the people that I had grown to love were people I distanced myself from. Mind you that I’ve lived in Swartz Creek all of my life, so I never had a fear of making friends since I grew up with most of them and I was very involved in after school activities. I had walked onto CMU’s campus with this mindset that making friends would be easy, I would be in clubs, I’d get good grades, and I would be able to heal from my past and become independent. My seasonal depression once again returned, I gave up making time for clubs amidst trying to keep up with my schoolwork and my mental health, my depression set another obstacle for me overcoming the issues I moved to CMU with, and I once again isolated myself and kept my friend group limited to my “clique”.

As my difficulties grew, I kept breaking promise after promise with my roommates concerning my health. Eventually came a point to where they could no longer fully help me the way they had once before. On my end, the relationship I have with them was strained through my belief that they no longer liked me, that it was my fault they didn’t want to room with me next year, I was too much of a burden, and that they were more of my peers than my friends. As for my neighbor, I had felt all of these same things with him on top of the feeling of worthlessness and doubts that I fed to myself to give myself an explanation on why I ended up getting hurt the way I did. All of these feelings in such a short time (3 weeks to be exact) ended up putting me in an unsafe place with my depression, forcing me to seek outside help.

In this time, this was where I’ve grown the most spiritually in my walk with Christ. I had to surrender these doubts, the heartbreak, and my feelings of loneliness to God. I had to open myself to Him so he could make miracles out of my entire situation. I had to learn to lean more on God when I felt vulnerable to the darkest parts of myself, listen to him and his truth over the lies that Satan was speaking over me and remember that God only gives us what he knows we can handle. I had to take initiative with speaking up about how my friends were making me feel and remind myself when I did the truth about what they think of me. I had to literally speak that truth over myself and drive Satan away with the armor of Truth. I began spending my mornings drinking coffee and writing out my feelings and prayers, and God would answer every single freaking prayer I wrote for that day. ( Like how cool is that?). I had to trust in His timing, his plan for me and make purpose out of the pain I was feeling. I had to be firm with the truth that I am good enough, and be firm when anyone tried making me believe otherwise.

Since getting the help I needed and talking to my friends about how everything was affecting me negatively and seeking guidance and encouragement from my life group and my double-duty Mom who also is my mentor, the relationship I have with them is no longer strained and the weight I once felt from their distance from me had been lifted. I’m trusting on His timing in terms of the people He will bring into my life, being grateful for the people who’ve stayed, and I’m learning to be humble in a way I never have before.

To sum up what has been put on my heart: trust. Understand that pain is temporary, no matter what form. Trust in the truth about yourself, speak that truth over the lies about yourself. You are good enough. You don’t have to be good enough for someone else, but you have to know that you are good enough for yourself and only you alone. And by God if anyone dares to tell you otherwise, speak up, stand up for yourself. Because you were made perfect, and you are so loved. And if you eve feel alone, you’re not. There is a God who’s arms are open to you, He is waiting for you. Honestly guys, I’ve found in this season that God is the greatest friend. For real, I pray and talk to him like we’re best friends. Because once I gave up the desire to become good enough for my friends so they wouldn’t leave me and leaned on God’s truth and let God be good enough for me, our relationship has never been the same. Friends don’t always stay, but God does. You are good enough in God’s eyes. You are worthy. You aren’t awkward or weird or too depressing to God. He loves those things about you. And if you let Him, He can even use those things and give those “imperfections” a purpose. Let truth prevail.

God’s grace was the only way I could get through that difficult period of my life, and by God’s grace, I did. And you can too. Have faith, know hope.

 

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Uncategorized

it is well: the journey of inner peace

“The soles
of my shoes
no longer separate
You and I
Lord,
let us dance.”

-8.10

This story leaves off after my post Breaking Free, pretty much dreading every day that was passing by. Crying every night before bed to relieve myself of the heaviness I felt in my heart, just barely putting effort into school work because I wanted to lay in bed all day, that kind of stuff. It almost felt like a drag walking across stage to get my diploma. I often felt very broken hearted being around generally happy people, mostly because I couldn’t escape whatever feeling I was feeling. Yet I also didn’t know exactly why I was feeling the way I was feeling. In the end I had to remove some people from my life to recover, and I tried to find positive ways to cope with the way I was feeling. And sometimes those positive coping tactics didn’t work. And I’d cry. And struggle to keep myself together. And most importantly, drift away from God. For a while I felt very separated from him, and that kind of loneliness was a kind of loneliness that I’ve never felt before and had a hard time getting out of.

Feeling sad in some way ended up becoming a daily routine that I couldn’t run from. While I love to Instagram because I enjoy taking pictures, it also became my worst enemy. Pretty much all of my social media platforms were like that, mostly because of what I say on a day to day basis. My first mistake was never removing the people I should’ve been removing. Second mistake was continuing to use these apps even though they hurt my heart. But even with talking about how I felt through here didn’t do my heart much justice. Even confronting who I felt hurt about didn’t help me out much either. I felt that I had no one to really back me up. It was me, my God that I felt like wasn’t there, and the road I was on. I felt triggered by things I saw that I didn’t like, and that made me feel very sheltered in. Talking to new people and their intentions of being friends with me had made me question my worth, if I was nothing more than a girlfriend, an object, a cute girl. And these kinds of conversations were reasons why I cried at night. I genuinely did not feel good enough to be just friends with someone. Because of these thoughts I drifted off of the thought of who God said I was. I would often have meltdowns and a lot of times I was really scared that I’d never calm down from it. I would rock, shake my head, stare off until I started crying again, you name it. But while some of these things happened to me, I was honestly improving dramatically since March, and that was the most amazing feeling of my life.

I can’t honestly pin point when things started really changing for me. During these meltdowns I’d often talk to God, tell him how I feel and pray for what I wish I felt like. I knew my goal, and that goal was to remove feeling triggered by generally small things, keep meltdowns to its very minimum, and to love myself and pursue His glory. And he’d present himself to me and his presence in my life with the smallest gestures. My time at Disney was these kind of moments. I think another thing that kind of steered me into the direction I’m going towards now is the realization that I am the only one that can fix myself and to not assume everyone is the same and that God puts people into my life for a reason. And then this really cool thing happened. I met an amazing friend. And they’ve completely changed my perspective on my entire existence. Just from how interested they were in knowing me, who I was, how I felt, and speaking life into me. Not only that, but I got to do the same for them without feeling afraid of their intentions. It was a moment like that really showed me what kind of impact I had on people, that God knows what he’s doing.  And that was what strived me to continue forward, and I did.

Now we’re here. I can’t exactly remember the last time I had a meltdown, I don’t feel so stressed out (besides the struggle of moving on towards college), I’m starting to realize who I am and the purpose God has for me, and while the season outside is changing, the season I’ve been going through for the past 9 months is starting to pass too. I have this desire to lean on God on all of my troubles, to get to know him and to reminensce the moments we have one on one. Not only has my interactions with people have changed since March, but the way I worship has too. It feels more at ease. Its comfortable. It makes me shiver and cry but it makes me sing a whole different way. I have never felt so at peace in my life.  Even after explaining the past four months of my life I’m not really sure how I can explain how I got through besides the glory of God and always reminding myself that it is well. Even when I can’t see my future before me, I have to trust that it is well and things will all fall into place.

(did I mention I’m always singing that song 24/7? Even squeezing it into different worship songs because I love it so much?)

And I mean, I guess I can give myself a ‘lil credit for waking up every day and choosing to get out of bed. Maybe.

 

“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

-Philippians 3:14

………………………………………………………………..+

 

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Hope, Uncategorized

to the one i loved

Three years. Three years of being your best friend (and being secretly in love with you) turned into a year of joy with you, 6 months of that year being your girlfriend. Yet, that year with you was probably one of the hardest years I’ve had in a really long time, and I am thankful you stuck with me through that season.

I think the first thing I should do is apologize for what feels like the millionth time. I’m sorry that I was always so onto you, especially when I was anxious. I’m sorry for the many arguments I started with you because you were too busy to actually talk, and I’m especially sorry for telling you that you were never there for me when I needed you. I just never really understood how senior year could be so draining. I’m lucky to even reply to a text in 5 minutes or less because I just simply don’t want to do anything. I’m not sorry for the season of anxiety I had, but I am sorry that you ended up drowning in it with me towards the end of our relationship. I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we cut off things. That is something I will regret more than anything that happened in the relationship itself. You always asked how I could’ve done such a thing, and I don’t honestly know. I really don’t. But I’ve learned from that, and it still haunts me. I’m imaging you’re happy enough in your life to have forgiven me for that. For everything. There’s surely not a lot of people that like you anymore, and I’m to blame for that. I guess I’m just not good with getting out what I have to say too well, but I’m trying. Lastly, I’m sorry I was too deep in my own fears and sadness to speak enough life to you. You are an amazing person, you really are. I just wish I had told you that more.

Being with you was a dream come true. But in that dream I lived, I found out a lot about the worst part of me. I’m ashamed of myself for both of us that we let jealousy get in the way of a lot of things. Mostly because those who I feared most have become the most uplifting people I have ever met. I’m ashamed of the person I became when I was with you. After all, I was not made to be depressed. I was not made to be angry. I was especially not made to be clingy. Or afraid. Or insecure. We had always agreed that we were simply not “us” back then, and that hasn’t changed even while we’re apart. But I also can’t allow us to not take even the slightest bit of blame for who we became and what we made our relationship to be. I’m hurt about my discovery on how negative I am on myself. Mostly, I’m upset that I had gotten so caught up in this fantasy that we’d be together forever. For a person that has lost so many people in such little time, I should know that not everything lasts forever. But I had truly believed that we were forever material. You were so involved in my life that, essentially, every single part of my life has some sort of memory of you lingering with it. Like car rides with the music blaring. Or playing guitar, specifically the one you got me. Or taking pictures (some part of me wishes I could take pictures of you like we always wanted to do as a date). Every day of the week has some sort of memory of you, no matter how good or bad that memory was. That’s what makes me hurt. It makes me hurt more than seeing you around. Because I can’t run from you.

My healing process was not the best. Not even that, it was terrible. Only because my actions ruined a good relationship that I had going in the end. For allowing myself to believe that I was healed enough to start another relationship and then ending up hurting them because my judgement was wrong was something I didn’t deserve to be forgiven for. And I imagine you expected me to be running back to you, begging on my knees for you to take me back. That’s almost what this post feels like, honestly. But I’m a leader, not no beggar for love. It’s funny how the cards switch, and now, I’m you just seven months ago. And now, I understand. I understand you, just how strong your love was for me. Because now, I toss and turn in my sleep thinking about some sort of alternative future. Every minute of my day consists of giving myself motivational pep talks just to get through another day. Everyday has become a day of regret for not realizing my mistakes soon enough and at least rebuild some sort of friendship with you (let’s be real, friends from a distance isn’t being friends, that’s called being acquaintances). Being surrounded by your presence makes me feel like my walls are closing in on me. And I’m falling apart, just like you did, stuck in a gray space of inconsistent good and bad days. And I’m okay with that. Only because in this new season of sadness over you, God has been teaching me so much. He’s taught me the difference between what Satan says about me and what He says about me, with many “I bet he thinks I’m evil, stupid, immature, etc” talks to myself. He’s shown me my abilities and what kind of package I am. He’s been showing me just how powerful I am, and that’s all you ever wanted for me. You just wanted me to be happy. And I only want the same for you.

A few months back, you gained your closure. This is my closure. And I’m not afraid about it. What my future holds for me, maybe. But not for how I feel. And I can hope for the best that maybe we can start back at square one, forever friend zoned. But for now, all I can really say is thank you. Thank you for showing me who I am. Thank you for all the joy you had brought into my life, for every prayer, for every sentimental gift, for always being so encouraging. Thank you.

-Your fellow friend.

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