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these hands / miracles

In the past year, these hands have wiped many tears from my face, held razors between their fingers, been clenched to either resist urges to relapse or to collide with my flesh (or an easier way to say that-to relapse), have been covered in dirt one too many times from falling off my skateboard, have gotten me out of bed and through the days I didn’t want to, have embraced many and pushed away many, and have written one sad poem after another.

But today, these hands give God praise. Four days before the beginning of finals week and hours after a successful meeting with my success coach, an unexpected obstacle (and for now private for the time being) had approached me head-on, putting me under much stress, pressure, hurt, and exposed. I lost all focus for finals week, cried many times in public from my fears of failing my finals sitting right in front of me in information I could not recollect because of the aftermath of this particular experience, could no longer be in my dorm for long periods of time, and felt completely hopeless.

In order to keep my merit scholarship, I needed to have a cumulative GPA of 3.25. Just last semester I barely made the mark with a 3.27. With the grades I was holding in my classes this semester and how I expected my finals to go, I needed a real miracle to either match my GPA from the fall or to raise it even higher. Two days before finals, I truly had believed that it was better for me to just end it all rather than be stuck between being the victim and also the “abuser” and take the shame of losing my scholarship home with me (though I and many others knew that I could easily get my scholarship appealed, I still felt ashamed that I even had to consider that route). This was a battle I could not fight alone.

These hands had to give these problems and frustrations to God. They were just not strong enough to hold the weights of the world. As my final grades were coming in, it became harder to trust. I was fearful that though the grades I was getting were pretty good for such a short notice event to occur in my life that I wouldn’t make that mark. But I literally told God that though I didn’t want to trust him that I was going to because He has never failed me, nor will He ever. The past few days I had been waiting for one more grade to be put in to find out my overall GPA. Last night…well…I’ll let the photo speak for itself.

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Processed with VSCO with c7 preset

Now if you think that’s a miracle, let me give you a little bit of a background on how those grades came to be. The classes I was most fearful of were law and graphic design (which both go towards my minors, how ironic). Talking with my success coach about how I felt my grades were gonna turn out, I had no hope of changing my law grade from a C to at least a B-. I had received a 77 on both my law and BCA exams. At that point, there was definitely no hope after I had calculated my total points in the class from what I had in Blackboard. Last night, he curved my grade to a B. I didn’t feel that I was worthy of a B, let alone a B-. As for my BCA class, the 97 I had received on our data analysis project and my performance in the class is what pretty much saved my grade. My performance in Math had saved my grade as well, though I got an 80 on that exam. As for my graphic design class, my second hardest and most time-consuming and frustrating class, I had received an 85 on the exam. (somehow). My professor for once gave me grace and gave me a 94 on our final project, a project that I was fearful of due to my professor and I’s difference in style. There’s no need to explain why I got an A in English, that’s a given.

It blows my mind how God made a miracle out of something that I felt was not worth trying for. I’ve learned a lot in terms of what I need in my life next year, as well as what I deserve (in this case-I really didn’t deserve to have this all happen to me at once in such a short notice). I’ve had to trust God with a lot of situations in my life-this situation was honestly one of the scariest things to trust Him with. But I am so so blessed to have a God who loves me so much and always provides, even when there’s a part of me that doesn’t want to trust Him when things are hard. I’m so thankful to have a God that leads the way when I’m lost, who always finishes what He starts.

Finishing off a post with saying have faith and know hope has never hit me so hard or meant so much. Seriously, HAVE FAITH, KNOW HOPE.

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hello, my name is _______.

I won’t lie-the past two months have been unbelievably wild.

I returned to Central confident in my recovery in my mental health, especially through the closer bond I had with my roommates and friends from the month prior after a particular event, joining life groups at His House, and a brand new semester with classes I chose this time around. After a month and a half, I found my life spiraling down to a place I never thought I’d ever be in, and in a way it was a place where I could experience the pain that came along with the season and learn from it at the same time rather than learn my lesson right after like things usually had been. Let me give you a summary of the month of February for me.

As told in my previous post, the news of my roommate not living with me next  year made me fearful for my future, left me doubting and questioning if my current friends even liked me and who my real friends were, and resulted in the rapid decline of my self worth, identity, and especially my mental health. My situation concerning my love life took a toll on my health as well, pushing me to my limits. This resulted in relapses, confrontations, opening up, isolating, lots of tears, and mostly trying to gain back the self control I once had to not hurt myself or be angry at others for their actions towards me. Self harm became a kind of addiction I had never experienced before and put me in a place where I struggled to be comfortable in my own body because of these unwanted thoughts and feelings.

Long story short-an organization on campus became involved with my situation, resulting in meetings with my RHD concerning where I was at in my life and what kind of help I needed. I can say that I’m grateful for the concern and the stability I have now that I regularly meet with a counselor, but everything that has come with that has been something very difficult to handle for me. I once was willing to be open to talk about issues that came up from anonymous reports filed about me, but after noticing that my RHD no longer wanted to talk about my progress and rather primarily about small issues, I feel hesitant to do so. I grew tired of hearing about people turning me in without a name, I mainly grew tired of feeling like a threat. I understand the need to make sure the community is a safe place for everyone, yeah, but I am not safe. I do not feel comfortable in my dorm without feeling like someone is listening in to my conversations with my roommates outside of my door. I do not feel comfortable knowing that when I open up my emails I could have another email from my RHD asking to “catch up”. I do not feel comfortable knowing that someone could take me away at any moment if they have even the slightest feeling that I could harm myself or others. But they will say that this is the consequences of my actions, right?

And that’s what pisses me off.

It upsets me that no matter how willing I am to cooperate with authority and seek out help, how much I’ve progressed, everything filed about me hovers over me, it’s become my identity and my name. I am a threat to the Beddow Hall community. I am looked at as someone that could be dangerous if pushed too far past her limits. I will never know how these kind of reports continue to be filed about me, who has so much of a “concern” about me to refuse to knock on my door and tell me their problems with me but can listen into everything I say, watch everything I do.  All of this may sound all over the place, but can you blame me when I have so little answers?

Why is it that those who struggle and strive to heal and get better always wear that burden? Where’s the encouragement? Where is the LOVE? Why is it so easy for those to point fingers but so hard to love and accept those who may fall from time to time? Or did I happen to end up in a community I feel unsafe with for a  reason?

My heart hurts. It hurts for those who feel like I do. It hurts for those long past their dark days and their past still lingers. It hurts for all of my friends and family that I drag along with me through this season. But like I said in my previous post, this season has made me extremely humble. It’s led me to a place where I can learn to love others on a deeper level. I can communicate with people in a whole other language. Most of all, this season has been showing me that despite what the world labels me as, what this “community” looks at me as, that God has wiped away all of my transgressions and has made me clean. My God says that my sin does not define me nor control me or my future. My God continues to mend those broken pieces and make me whole.

I think that many times those who struggle feel a lot like I do and that they will never fit into society because of the labels put on them and what everyone claims they are, true or not. And despite a part of me wanting to cry and relapse and wear the name they labeled me, there’s also the stronger part of me that shuts out those lies. In order to fully understand your worth, you have to shut out those lies. You have to have at least a little bit of respect for yourself to not let anyone make you feel any less than you really are. You have to stand firm in your identity in Christ, you have to stand firm in your beliefs and yourself. You mostly have to remember that its going to get better. I have a month and a half left of this pain and fear for my life, and despite my fears that the news will get around and my RA and RHD will be on me about what I went through this year, I have to trust God through it all. Leaning on Him entirely is how I’ve continued to not let my depression overcome me in these difficult times, even though I want to give up and let the darkness consume me. You are not what anyone says about you. Only God can judge.

If anyone else is experiencing a situation like I am, I’d love to talk about it with you. Never be afraid to talk to anyone out of fear of judgement. I’d love to get to know you. And as always, have faith. Know hope.

 

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from me, to you: a motivational message

If there’s one thing I can say that can be addressed towards everyone, it’s this.

You are capable of overcoming your fears and your chains. What you battle has nothing on you compared to the person you’ll transform into once you’ve overcome those chains. You were born to battle the things you battle because God knows you can overcome it. Nothing on this Earth will ultimately help you get better. No drug, no relationship, no fictional TV character, nothing. Everything on this Earth is temporary. The first step is believing in your own strength, even if you feel like it’s not there. Often we depend on earthly things to help cope with our struggles because we believe that it truly does help. We continue to say that, and we still wake up and feel weighed down, and we go back to these earthly things, and we numb ourselves with that, and repeat. That’s the art of living in the 21st century.

I often doubt my own strength. But when I see the person that I’ve become BECAUSE I no longer believed the lies told to me, the lies that I would never recover, I would always be depressed, anxious, I wasn’t worthy to walk amongst everyone else. I’ve hit rock bottom multiple times. Completely given up. Relapsed, gave myself to earthly things, I let everyone and everything consume every inch of me because there was nothing left I could give to the world so eager for me to end it all. But the promises God has given to me, which has always been that I would be given happiness, HAS ALWAYS BEEN FULFILLED TO ITS FULLEST. HE HAS NEVER GIVEN ME ANYTHING LESS THAN THAT. He has never given me anything to battle that he knew I couldn’t beat. In those times, I can completely lean on him to guide me. His confidence in me alone is my driving force. I trust in his confidence in me to overcome my daily battles.

Whether you believe in God or not, you will always be promised joy in your life. No matter how long it takes, how it happens. Always believe that you can do anything you put your mind to. And if that’s defeating anxiety, depression, doubts, etc., YOU WILL CONQUER! You are better than the things you do to temporarily numb your (also temporary) pain. If you can’t trust yourself just a little bit that you can get better, just a faint bit of hope, you never will. It’s one of those things you have to really slap yourself in the face for to really grasp it. Please please please don’t let this world tell you that you are not good enough, that you are not strong enough. Don’t let it break your beautiful heart. Have faith that everything I’m saying is true. That you will never be alone. And if you feel that you are now, you’re not. Don’t ever tell yourself that bullcrap. Never ever never.

Stand up, my love. Chin up. Faith. Confidence. Trust. Self-love. HOPE.

 

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breaking free

Chains. When I used to hear about God breaking chains in people, I never really understood it. I got the concept of it, but its just never been clear to me. Mostly because I can’t really think of chains that NEED to be broken within me. Not until today, at least.

The past few months I’ve been living with a lot of guilt and regret. The decisions I made in my life soon caught up to me and have been attacking me nonstop. I live in a constant daydream where I believe that “so-and-so” will talk to me, “so-and-so” and I will work things out, I will be able to move on, etc. I honestly even find myself saying “omg relationship goals” in shows that I’ve been watching recently. I find myself feeling responsible to make people happy when I am already struggling to be happy as it is. I’ve set a lot of burdens on myself, and in result, I feel more negative about who I am because 1. I’ve hurt quite a lot of people. 2. I am a big “crybaby”. Its something I wish I could escape, but I seem to be stuck.
I’ve been praying nonstop about answers. Solutions. Some sort of stepping stone so I can actually fall asleep at night. Some sort of stepping stone so I can stop chasing after “so-and-so” with my eyes. Some sort of stepping stone so I can stop feeling so triggered by everything I watch/see. But I finally realized something tonight. I realized that its not my fault that some people may not like me. I realized that “so-and-so” may never want to even look at me again. I realized that no matter how much I daydream (which is quite a lot), I can’t change what has happened. Its not my fault that people won’t forgive me for things I’ve done against them.

I need to accept that my life isn’t a fairytale, and not everything I want to happen will happen. I can picture all the perfect scenarios in the world, but none would ever come true. They’re just mirages, really. Most importantly, I need to be accepting of who I am. I can be goofy, I also can be emotional. I need to be accepting of both because if everyone else can, I can too. After all, I’ve been made perfectly. I need to trust God and what he has prepared for me. I need to trust him that the man of my dreams is out there, and joy can be found. There is hope out there for me, even if I can’t see it right now.

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to the one i loved

Three years. Three years of being your best friend (and being secretly in love with you) turned into a year of joy with you, 6 months of that year being your girlfriend. Yet, that year with you was probably one of the hardest years I’ve had in a really long time, and I am thankful you stuck with me through that season.

I think the first thing I should do is apologize for what feels like the millionth time. I’m sorry that I was always so onto you, especially when I was anxious. I’m sorry for the many arguments I started with you because you were too busy to actually talk, and I’m especially sorry for telling you that you were never there for me when I needed you. I just never really understood how senior year could be so draining. I’m lucky to even reply to a text in 5 minutes or less because I just simply don’t want to do anything. I’m not sorry for the season of anxiety I had, but I am sorry that you ended up drowning in it with me towards the end of our relationship. I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we cut off things. That is something I will regret more than anything that happened in the relationship itself. You always asked how I could’ve done such a thing, and I don’t honestly know. I really don’t. But I’ve learned from that, and it still haunts me. I’m imaging you’re happy enough in your life to have forgiven me for that. For everything. There’s surely not a lot of people that like you anymore, and I’m to blame for that. I guess I’m just not good with getting out what I have to say too well, but I’m trying. Lastly, I’m sorry I was too deep in my own fears and sadness to speak enough life to you. You are an amazing person, you really are. I just wish I had told you that more.

Being with you was a dream come true. But in that dream I lived, I found out a lot about the worst part of me. I’m ashamed of myself for both of us that we let jealousy get in the way of a lot of things. Mostly because those who I feared most have become the most uplifting people I have ever met. I’m ashamed of the person I became when I was with you. After all, I was not made to be depressed. I was not made to be angry. I was especially not made to be clingy. Or afraid. Or insecure. We had always agreed that we were simply not “us” back then, and that hasn’t changed even while we’re apart. But I also can’t allow us to not take even the slightest bit of blame for who we became and what we made our relationship to be. I’m hurt about my discovery on how negative I am on myself. Mostly, I’m upset that I had gotten so caught up in this fantasy that we’d be together forever. For a person that has lost so many people in such little time, I should know that not everything lasts forever. But I had truly believed that we were forever material. You were so involved in my life that, essentially, every single part of my life has some sort of memory of you lingering with it. Like car rides with the music blaring. Or playing guitar, specifically the one you got me. Or taking pictures (some part of me wishes I could take pictures of you like we always wanted to do as a date). Every day of the week has some sort of memory of you, no matter how good or bad that memory was. That’s what makes me hurt. It makes me hurt more than seeing you around. Because I can’t run from you.

My healing process was not the best. Not even that, it was terrible. Only because my actions ruined a good relationship that I had going in the end. For allowing myself to believe that I was healed enough to start another relationship and then ending up hurting them because my judgement was wrong was something I didn’t deserve to be forgiven for. And I imagine you expected me to be running back to you, begging on my knees for you to take me back. That’s almost what this post feels like, honestly. But I’m a leader, not no beggar for love. It’s funny how the cards switch, and now, I’m you just seven months ago. And now, I understand. I understand you, just how strong your love was for me. Because now, I toss and turn in my sleep thinking about some sort of alternative future. Every minute of my day consists of giving myself motivational pep talks just to get through another day. Everyday has become a day of regret for not realizing my mistakes soon enough and at least rebuild some sort of friendship with you (let’s be real, friends from a distance isn’t being friends, that’s called being acquaintances). Being surrounded by your presence makes me feel like my walls are closing in on me. And I’m falling apart, just like you did, stuck in a gray space of inconsistent good and bad days. And I’m okay with that. Only because in this new season of sadness over you, God has been teaching me so much. He’s taught me the difference between what Satan says about me and what He says about me, with many “I bet he thinks I’m evil, stupid, immature, etc” talks to myself. He’s shown me my abilities and what kind of package I am. He’s been showing me just how powerful I am, and that’s all you ever wanted for me. You just wanted me to be happy. And I only want the same for you.

A few months back, you gained your closure. This is my closure. And I’m not afraid about it. What my future holds for me, maybe. But not for how I feel. And I can hope for the best that maybe we can start back at square one, forever friend zoned. But for now, all I can really say is thank you. Thank you for showing me who I am. Thank you for all the joy you had brought into my life, for every prayer, for every sentimental gift, for always being so encouraging. Thank you.

-Your fellow friend.

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