of my shoes
no longer separate
You and I
let us dance.”
This story leaves off after my post Breaking Free, pretty much dreading every day that was passing by. Crying every night before bed to relieve myself of the heaviness I felt in my heart, just barely putting effort into school work because I wanted to lay in bed all day, that kind of stuff. It almost felt like a drag walking across stage to get my diploma. I often felt very broken hearted being around generally happy people, mostly because I couldn’t escape whatever feeling I was feeling. Yet I also didn’t know exactly why I was feeling the way I was feeling. In the end I had to remove some people from my life to recover, and I tried to find positive ways to cope with the way I was feeling. And sometimes those positive coping tactics didn’t work. And I’d cry. And struggle to keep myself together. And most importantly, drift away from God. For a while I felt very separated from him, and that kind of loneliness was a kind of loneliness that I’ve never felt before and had a hard time getting out of.
Feeling sad in some way ended up becoming a daily routine that I couldn’t run from. While I love to Instagram because I enjoy taking pictures, it also became my worst enemy. Pretty much all of my social media platforms were like that, mostly because of what I say on a day to day basis. My first mistake was never removing the people I should’ve been removing. Second mistake was continuing to use these apps even though they hurt my heart. But even with talking about how I felt through here didn’t do my heart much justice. Even confronting who I felt hurt about didn’t help me out much either. I felt that I had no one to really back me up. It was me, my God that I felt like wasn’t there, and the road I was on. I felt triggered by things I saw that I didn’t like, and that made me feel very sheltered in. Talking to new people and their intentions of being friends with me had made me question my worth, if I was nothing more than a girlfriend, an object, a cute girl. And these kinds of conversations were reasons why I cried at night. I genuinely did not feel good enough to be just friends with someone. Because of these thoughts I drifted off of the thought of who God said I was. I would often have meltdowns and a lot of times I was really scared that I’d never calm down from it. I would rock, shake my head, stare off until I started crying again, you name it. But while some of these things happened to me, I was honestly improving dramatically since March, and that was the most amazing feeling of my life.
I can’t honestly pin point when things started really changing for me. During these meltdowns I’d often talk to God, tell him how I feel and pray for what I wish I felt like. I knew my goal, and that goal was to remove feeling triggered by generally small things, keep meltdowns to its very minimum, and to love myself and pursue His glory. And he’d present himself to me and his presence in my life with the smallest gestures. My time at Disney was these kind of moments. I think another thing that kind of steered me into the direction I’m going towards now is the realization that I am the only one that can fix myself and to not assume everyone is the same and that God puts people into my life for a reason. And then this really cool thing happened. I met an amazing friend. And they’ve completely changed my perspective on my entire existence. Just from how interested they were in knowing me, who I was, how I felt, and speaking life into me. Not only that, but I got to do the same for them without feeling afraid of their intentions. It was a moment like that really showed me what kind of impact I had on people, that God knows what he’s doing. And that was what strived me to continue forward, and I did.
Now we’re here. I can’t exactly remember the last time I had a meltdown, I don’t feel so stressed out (besides the struggle of moving on towards college), I’m starting to realize who I am and the purpose God has for me, and while the season outside is changing, the season I’ve been going through for the past 9 months is starting to pass too. I have this desire to lean on God on all of my troubles, to get to know him and to reminensce the moments we have one on one. Not only has my interactions with people have changed since March, but the way I worship has too. It feels more at ease. Its comfortable. It makes me shiver and cry but it makes me sing a whole different way. I have never felt so at peace in my life. Even after explaining the past four months of my life I’m not really sure how I can explain how I got through besides the glory of God and always reminding myself that it is well. Even when I can’t see my future before me, I have to trust that it is well and things will all fall into place.
(did I mention I’m always singing that song 24/7? Even squeezing it into different worship songs because I love it so much?)
And I mean, I guess I can give myself a ‘lil credit for waking up every day and choosing to get out of bed. Maybe.
“I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”