Hope, Uncategorized

to the one i loved

Three years. Three years of being your best friend (and being secretly in love with you) turned into a year of joy with you, 6 months of that year being your girlfriend. Yet, that year with you was probably one of the hardest years I’ve had in a really long time, and I am thankful you stuck with me through that season.

I think the first thing I should do is apologize for what feels like the millionth time. I’m sorry that I was always so onto you, especially when I was anxious. I’m sorry for the many arguments I started with you because you were too busy to actually talk, and I’m especially sorry for telling you that you were never there for me when I needed you. I just never really understood how senior year could be so draining. I’m lucky to even reply to a text in 5 minutes or less because I just simply don’t want to do anything. I’m not sorry for the season of anxiety I had, but I am sorry that you ended up drowning in it with me towards the end of our relationship. I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we cut off things. That is something I will regret more than anything that happened in the relationship itself. You always asked how I could’ve done such a thing, and I don’t honestly know. I really don’t. But I’ve learned from that, and it still haunts me. I’m imaging you’re happy enough in your life to have forgiven me for that. For everything. There’s surely not a lot of people that like you anymore, and I’m to blame for that. I guess I’m just not good with getting out what I have to say too well, but I’m trying. Lastly, I’m sorry I was too deep in my own fears and sadness to speak enough life to you. You are an amazing person, you really are. I just wish I had told you that more.

Being with you was a dream come true. But in that dream I lived, I found out a lot about the worst part of me. I’m ashamed of myself for both of us that we let jealousy get in the way of a lot of things. Mostly because those who I feared most have become the most uplifting people I have ever met. I’m ashamed of the person I became when I was with you. After all, I was not made to be depressed. I was not made to be angry. I was especially not made to be clingy. Or afraid. Or insecure. We had always agreed that we were simply not “us” back then, and that hasn’t changed even while we’re apart. But I also can’t allow us to not take even the slightest bit of blame for who we became and what we made our relationship to be. I’m hurt about my discovery on how negative I am on myself. Mostly, I’m upset that I had gotten so caught up in this fantasy that we’d be together forever. For a person that has lost so many people in such little time, I should know that not everything lasts forever. But I had truly believed that we were forever material. You were so involved in my life that, essentially, every single part of my life has some sort of memory of you lingering with it. Like car rides with the music blaring. Or playing guitar, specifically the one you got me. Or taking pictures (some part of me wishes I could take pictures of you like we always wanted to do as a date). Every day of the week has some sort of memory of you, no matter how good or bad that memory was. That’s what makes me hurt. It makes me hurt more than seeing you around. Because I can’t run from you.

My healing process was not the best. Not even that, it was terrible. Only because my actions ruined a good relationship that I had going in the end. For allowing myself to believe that I was healed enough to start another relationship and then ending up hurting them because my judgement was wrong was something I didn’t deserve to be forgiven for. And I imagine you expected me to be running back to you, begging on my knees for you to take me back. That’s almost what this post feels like, honestly. But I’m a leader, not no beggar for love. It’s funny how the cards switch, and now, I’m you just seven months ago. And now, I understand. I understand you, just how strong your love was for me. Because now, I toss and turn in my sleep thinking about some sort of alternative future. Every minute of my day consists of giving myself motivational pep talks just to get through another day. Everyday has become a day of regret for not realizing my mistakes soon enough and at least rebuild some sort of friendship with you (let’s be real, friends from a distance isn’t being friends, that’s called being acquaintances). Being surrounded by your presence makes me feel like my walls are closing in on me. And I’m falling apart, just like you did, stuck in a gray space of inconsistent good and bad days. And I’m okay with that. Only because in this new season of sadness over you, God has been teaching me so much. He’s taught me the difference between what Satan says about me and what He says about me, with many “I bet he thinks I’m evil, stupid, immature, etc” talks to myself. He’s shown me my abilities and what kind of package I am. He’s been showing me just how powerful I am, and that’s all you ever wanted for me. You just wanted me to be happy. And I only want the same for you.

A few months back, you gained your closure. This is my closure. And I’m not afraid about it. What my future holds for me, maybe. But not for how I feel. And I can hope for the best that maybe we can start back at square one, forever friend zoned. But for now, all I can really say is thank you. Thank you for showing me who I am. Thank you for all the joy you had brought into my life, for every prayer, for every sentimental gift, for always being so encouraging. Thank you.

-Your fellow friend.

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Hope

faith in the fork in the road

A lot of things had changed in my life, mostly for the better. But unfortunately, some of those decisions have left weights on my heart coming into 2016, and because I feel open enough to just let my thoughts flow, I want to share it will all of you.

I hid behind a mask for many many months. And while I had a “perfect” relationship and a “perfect” life, I was being held down by anxiety and many insecurities, and I didn’t know how to make it go away. Moving forward, I made some very tough decisions. Mostly for the benefit of me and the one I loved. I just simply couldn’t live the life I was living, that’s the bottom line. We both needed to work on being the better version of us, and thats when I could feel the need that I needed to cut things off. It was surely something I thought I’d never do, but yet again, I think I just simply knew what I had to do all along.

Things were looking good for me, and while I may feel like some parts of these past few months are a blur for me, all I knew was that I loved being able to breathe again. I loved going to bed at 11pm than 2am, even if I end up being really tired in the morning. I love hanging out with my friends again, and I love who I’m with currently. But I think I fell too much in love with the new me, because someone that I cared and loved so much had become my enemy, and unfortunately, my anger within is a huge flaw of mine. And I took that pain from the past few months prior to my new beginning and threw it all in many different forms, verbally and through my itty bitty thumbs. And now, that guilt has surely catched up to me in 2016. He knows me well enough to understand that I don’t mean what I say a lot, and when I do, I don’t do much of a good job making sense of it. Nevertheless, I beat him to his core, and that’s a scar only God can heal. Not me.
Fast forward to the present, my guilt and my fears have caught up with me once again. I let the world put an imaginary label on me, one that I believe to be true. Trust me, I am almost certain that no one thinks of me in the way I think of myself, but only God can heal that hole and truly tell me who I am to the world. And I’ll be honest, its hard for me to trust God. It was hard to trust him with my breakup, but I was so tired of the old me that I had to anyways. And its harder to trust him now because I really don’t know where I’m going from here.

Truthfully, I hate myself. I say that with a light but also a meaningful tone. But, I know I only hate myself because I feel that’s the kind of vibe I believe I’m getting from those around me (mutual friends, separate friends, etc). And I hate that. That right there proves that I’m not as close with God as I thought, and I really have to work on that. Its baby steps, really, but God truly reveals himself in mysterious ways, and I don’t take any compliment for granted because of that reason. At least I don’t try to anymore.

So really, where am I getting at with this?

Truly, we may not like the decisions we have to make. But, God knows us better than we know ourselves, and he knows whats best for us. He created us all so wonderfully, and because of that, we should love ourselves. All we hear about today is about getting to love ourselves, but you don’t really understand that until you begin to hate yourself. I want to be able to say I love myself in all areas of my life, not in just what people see from my life through the media, etc.

We may not understand why things happen for a reason, or why we say or do things we really don’t want to do, but we do understand it eventually. But when we do, there’s a kind of love that radiates from it like no other. And that’s the love of God right there. That’s the love for yourself that you kept buried in for so long.

Hope has hazards, and how we get through those hazards is all based on trust. Believe in God, and believe in yourself.

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