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my new recognized fear

Generally, I know a lot of people. I have many acquaintances and a wide arrange of friends, but only a few close friends. Since moving to Mt.Pleasant, I’ve met a widespread of amazing (and few that are terrible) people. Whether it was through Instagram, Tinder (yeah, I get it, Tinder isn’t a place for making friends-still did), group chats, church, and even through just being neighbors. Despite the fact that I lack the ability to communicate with others in a way where I don’t look or feel uncomfortable when it comes to meeting new people, I manage to grab my friend’s attention in one way or another. But this problem of not knowing how to maintain friendships that aren’t through a screen has caused many of the friends I have to collect dust, expecting them to come to me if they want to keep talking because I’m not good with determining if someone likes me or not. This has resulted in my “clique” at CMU to be myself, my roommates, my neighbors, and my lovely friend Jt who lives in a galaxy far away-also known as the north side of campus.

So here’s a rundown of the problem with my “clique”: I was romantically involved with my neighbor, obviously didn’t work out at all. One suitemate is moving out of state, the other is moving into apartments, in the span of two weeks I found out my roommate was planning to transfer her junior year, (which terrified me with knowing that I’d be roomie-less my junior year), and then found out she was moving into apartments-with my bestie that is my current neighbor. This news had sent me into a spiraling panic mode, realizing that the people I’ve poured my heart to, who’ve accepted me for every weird part of me, who have helped me through my difficult times and relapses throughout the year, would no longer be with me. It didn’t matter if two of them would still be attending the same school. It didn’t matter if my best friend would be living next door in the fall. What mattered was my fear of who would be my roommate next year, if my future suitemates would accept me like my roommates have, and who would be there first-hand to help me if I was having problems that wasn’t a boy (sorry Jt). This opened my eyes to a fear I never thought I particularly had when it came to friend groups and the reason behind my desires for a stable and working relationship: I was afraid of feeling more lonely than I already secretly did.

From time to time I would feel lonely when I was going through difficult seasons because I was afraid to reach out to my friends for help, resulting in me isolating myself. When it came to Swartz Creek, I was better off not having any friends because the culture of that school is not something I agree with and the people that I had grown to love were people I distanced myself from. Mind you that I’ve lived in Swartz Creek all of my life, so I never had a fear of making friends since I grew up with most of them and I was very involved in after school activities. I had walked onto CMU’s campus with this mindset that making friends would be easy, I would be in clubs, I’d get good grades, and I would be able to heal from my past and become independent. My seasonal depression once again returned, I gave up making time for clubs amidst trying to keep up with my schoolwork and my mental health, my depression set another obstacle for me overcoming the issues I moved to CMU with, and I once again isolated myself and kept my friend group limited to my “clique”.

As my difficulties grew, I kept breaking promise after promise with my roommates concerning my health. Eventually came a point to where they could no longer fully help me the way they had once before. On my end, the relationship I have with them was strained through my belief that they no longer liked me, that it was my fault they didn’t want to room with me next year, I was too much of a burden, and that they were more of my peers than my friends. As for my neighbor, I had felt all of these same things with him on top of the feeling of worthlessness and doubts that I fed to myself to give myself an explanation on why I ended up getting hurt the way I did. All of these feelings in such a short time (3 weeks to be exact) ended up putting me in an unsafe place with my depression, forcing me to seek outside help.

In this time, this was where I’ve grown the most spiritually in my walk with Christ. I had to surrender these doubts, the heartbreak, and my feelings of loneliness to God. I had to open myself to Him so he could make miracles out of my entire situation. I had to learn to lean more on God when I felt vulnerable to the darkest parts of myself, listen to him and his truth over the lies that Satan was speaking over me and remember that God only gives us what he knows we can handle. I had to take initiative with speaking up about how my friends were making me feel and remind myself when I did the truth about what they think of me. I had to literally speak that truth over myself and drive Satan away with the armor of Truth. I began spending my mornings drinking coffee and writing out my feelings and prayers, and God would answer every single freaking prayer I wrote for that day. ( Like how cool is that?). I had to trust in His timing, his plan for me and make purpose out of the pain I was feeling. I had to be firm with the truth that I am good enough, and be firm when anyone tried making me believe otherwise.

Since getting the help I needed and talking to my friends about how everything was affecting me negatively and seeking guidance and encouragement from my life group and my double-duty Mom who also is my mentor, the relationship I have with them is no longer strained and the weight I once felt from their distance from me had been lifted. I’m trusting on His timing in terms of the people He will bring into my life, being grateful for the people who’ve stayed, and I’m learning to be humble in a way I never have before.

To sum up what has been put on my heart: trust. Understand that pain is temporary, no matter what form. Trust in the truth about yourself, speak that truth over the lies about yourself. You are good enough. You don’t have to be good enough for someone else, but you have to know that you are good enough for yourself and only you alone. And by God if anyone dares to tell you otherwise, speak up, stand up for yourself. Because you were made perfect, and you are so loved. And if you eve feel alone, you’re not. There is a God who’s arms are open to you, He is waiting for you. Honestly guys, I’ve found in this season that God is the greatest friend. For real, I pray and talk to him like we’re best friends. Because once I gave up the desire to become good enough for my friends so they wouldn’t leave me and leaned on God’s truth and let God be good enough for me, our relationship has never been the same. Friends don’t always stay, but God does. You are good enough in God’s eyes. You are worthy. You aren’t awkward or weird or too depressing to God. He loves those things about you. And if you let Him, He can even use those things and give those “imperfections” a purpose. Let truth prevail.

God’s grace was the only way I could get through that difficult period of my life, and by God’s grace, I did. And you can too. Have faith, know hope.

 

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