Year four. Four years of celebrating a new life in your light. Within these four years, you have stood beside me in every single trial you have put me through, teaching me and helping me grow so that I can be your hands, I can do what you have called me to do.
You have healed the wounds I had inflicted on myself-inwardly and outwardly-so that I could embrace those who are broken. You have given me a voice that breaks down walls and soften hearts without me even opening my mouth.
You have changed my life in a way that’s unbelievable even for my eyes. You have given me so many crazy opportunities, given me some pretty amazing people in my life, and you continue to remind me of your presence in my life through big and little gestures.
You have watched me fall apart. You have watched me curse your name, doubt your capabilities as my heavenly Father. You’ve watched me break down, you’ve watched me relapse. You stood beside me in times when my depression had the best of me, when I was afraid.
This doesn’t feel like another season, even though it is. It has almost felt like a cycle. It’s my life. Often I feel like I cannot stand over Satan in victory for longer than a month.
I have been tempted. I have fallen apart. I have disbelieved in your purpose for my life time and time again. I have doubted my capabilities to overcome any obstacle in my way. I have doubted my strength physically and mentally. I have relapsed. I live in isolation. I have made myself believe that my loneliness is the closest I can get to comfort. I have given in to what Satan and the world says about me. I have given up, and I have given in to the belief that I am completely alone.
These feelings are nothing that you haven’t fixed in the past. No matter how long it took, you had always proved your power to restore the broken, in this case myself, to me. You’ve always opened my eyes and given me understanding to my pain. You have never failed to fill my heart with your love. You’ve picked me up from where I had fallen, and because of that I have been able to rejoice and dance in your presence. You’ve always made my battle with depression so worth it.
and because of all of this, this is my declaration to you. This is where I throw down the towel, drop everything off of my shoulders.
I surrender my entire heart, mind, and soul to you. I believe in your power to restore my heart and strengthen it. I ask you to give me the patience to wait for what you have for me, to be able to wait for you to finish your masterpiece that is myself. You have never broken your promises to me, from the moment you promised me you would make me happy again if I surrendered to you four years ago to now. You have given me your entire heart, your love. Your own life. For my mistakes. I trust in your plan, I trust in your perfect timing. I trust you in every situation I’m in. I trust you with everything you call me to do. I will continue to strive because you have never given up on me. I will continue to dance and rejoice in your light (even if I don’t know how to dance), I will be true to myself and who I am. You have made me perfect, and my pain does not compare to what you have in store for me.
I ask that you help me accept the things I can’t change, change the things I can, and have the wisdom to know the difference between both. I ask you to give me the ability to love others and myself, even when I don’t want to.
I am ready for what you have for me. No more childish games. I’m ready to get my hands dirty.
I want to fall in love with you all over again, just as I have after every season. But deeper.