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breaking free

Chains. When I used to hear about God breaking chains in people, I never really understood it. I got the concept of it, but its just never been clear to me. Mostly because I can’t really think of chains that NEED to be broken within me. Not until today, at least.

The past few months I’ve been living with a lot of guilt and regret. The decisions I made in my life soon caught up to me and have been attacking me nonstop. I live in a constant daydream where I believe that “so-and-so” will talk to me, “so-and-so” and I will work things out, I will be able to move on, etc. I honestly even find myself saying “omg relationship goals” in shows that I’ve been watching recently. I find myself feeling responsible to make people happy when I am already struggling to be happy as it is. I’ve set a lot of burdens on myself, and in result, I feel more negative about who I am because 1. I’ve hurt quite a lot of people. 2. I am a big “crybaby”. Its something I wish I could escape, but I seem to be stuck.
I’ve been praying nonstop about answers. Solutions. Some sort of stepping stone so I can actually fall asleep at night. Some sort of stepping stone so I can stop chasing after “so-and-so” with my eyes. Some sort of stepping stone so I can stop feeling so triggered by everything I watch/see. But I finally realized something tonight. I realized that its not my fault that some people may not like me. I realized that “so-and-so” may never want to even look at me again. I realized that no matter how much I daydream (which is quite a lot), I can’t change what has happened. Its not my fault that people won’t forgive me for things I’ve done against them.

I need to accept that my life isn’t a fairytale, and not everything I want to happen will happen. I can picture all the perfect scenarios in the world, but none would ever come true. They’re just mirages, really. Most importantly, I need to be accepting of who I am. I can be goofy, I also can be emotional. I need to be accepting of both because if everyone else can, I can too. After all, I’ve been made perfectly. I need to trust God and what he has prepared for me. I need to trust him that the man of my dreams is out there, and joy can be found. There is hope out there for me, even if I can’t see it right now.

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