to the one i loved

Three years. Three years of being your best friend (and being secretly in love with you) turned into a year of joy with you, 6 months of that year being your girlfriend. Yet, that year with you was probably one of the hardest years I’ve had in a really long time, and I am thankful you stuck with me through that season.

I think the first thing I should do is apologize for what feels like the millionth time. I’m sorry that I was always so onto you, especially when I was anxious. I’m sorry for the many arguments I started with you because you were too busy to actually talk, and I’m especially sorry for telling you that you were never there for me when I needed you. I just never really understood how senior year could be so draining. I’m lucky to even reply to a text in 5 minutes or less because I just simply don’t want to do anything. I’m not sorry for the season of anxiety I had, but I am sorry that you ended up drowning in it with me towards the end of our relationship. I’m sorry for the way I treated you when we cut off things. That is something I will regret more than anything that happened in the relationship itself. You always asked how I could’ve done such a thing, and I don’t honestly know. I really don’t. But I’ve learned from that, and it still haunts me. I’m imaging you’re happy enough in your life to have forgiven me for that. For everything. There’s surely not a lot of people that like you anymore, and I’m to blame for that. I guess I’m just not good with getting out what I have to say too well, but I’m trying. Lastly, I’m sorry I was too deep in my own fears and sadness to speak enough life to you. You are an amazing person, you really are. I just wish I had told you that more.

Being with you was a dream come true. But in that dream I lived, I found out a lot about the worst part of me. I’m ashamed of myself for both of us that we let jealousy get in the way of a lot of things. Mostly because those who I feared most have become the most uplifting people I have ever met. I’m ashamed of the person I became when I was with you. After all, I was not made to be depressed. I was not made to be angry. I was especially not made to be clingy. Or afraid. Or insecure. We had always agreed that we were simply not “us” back then, and that hasn’t changed even while we’re apart. But I also can’t allow us to not take even the slightest bit of blame for who we became and what we made our relationship to be. I’m hurt about my discovery on how negative I am on myself. Mostly, I’m upset that I had gotten so caught up in this fantasy that we’d be together forever. For a person that has lost so many people in such little time, I should know that not everything lasts forever. But I had truly believed that we were forever material. You were so involved in my life that, essentially, every single part of my life has some sort of memory of you lingering with it. Like car rides with the music blaring. Or playing guitar, specifically the one you got me. Or taking pictures (some part of me wishes I could take pictures of you like we always wanted to do as a date). Every day of the week has some sort of memory of you, no matter how good or bad that memory was. That’s what makes me hurt. It makes me hurt more than seeing you around. Because I can’t run from you.

My healing process was not the best. Not even that, it was terrible. Only because my actions ruined a good relationship that I had going in the end. For allowing myself to believe that I was healed enough to start another relationship and then ending up hurting them because my judgement was wrong was something I didn’t deserve to be forgiven for. And I imagine you expected me to be running back to you, begging on my knees for you to take me back. That’s almost what this post feels like, honestly. But I’m a leader, not no beggar for love. It’s funny how the cards switch, and now, I’m you just seven months ago. And now, I understand. I understand you, just how strong your love was for me. Because now, I toss and turn in my sleep thinking about some sort of alternative future. Every minute of my day consists of giving myself motivational pep talks just to get through another day. Everyday has become a day of regret for not realizing my mistakes soon enough and at least rebuild some sort of friendship with you (let’s be real, friends from a distance isn’t being friends, that’s called being acquaintances). Being surrounded by your presence makes me feel like my walls are closing in on me. And I’m falling apart, just like you did, stuck in a gray space of inconsistent good and bad days. And I’m okay with that. Only because in this new season of sadness over you, God has been teaching me so much. He’s taught me the difference between what Satan says about me and what He says about me, with many “I bet he thinks I’m evil, stupid, immature, etc” talks to myself. He’s shown me my abilities and what kind of package I am. He’s been showing me just how powerful I am, and that’s all you ever wanted for me. You just wanted me to be happy. And I only want the same for you.

A few months back, you gained your closure. This is my closure. And I’m not afraid about it. What my future holds for me, maybe. But not for how I feel. And I can hope for the best that maybe we can start back at square one, forever friend zoned. But for now, all I can really say is thank you. Thank you for showing me who I am. Thank you for all the joy you had brought into my life, for every prayer, for every sentimental gift, for always being so encouraging. Thank you.

-Your fellow friend.

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Published by hayleyseibel

20. Central Michigan University. World changer. Jesus lover.

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