A lot of things had changed in my life, mostly for the better. But unfortunately, some of those decisions have left weights on my heart coming into 2016, and because I feel open enough to just let my thoughts flow, I want to share it will all of you.
I hid behind a mask for many many months. And while I had a “perfect” relationship and a “perfect” life, I was being held down by anxiety and many insecurities, and I didn’t know how to make it go away. Moving forward, I made some very tough decisions. Mostly for the benefit of me and the one I loved. I just simply couldn’t live the life I was living, that’s the bottom line. We both needed to work on being the better version of us, and thats when I could feel the need that I needed to cut things off. It was surely something I thought I’d never do, but yet again, I think I just simply knew what I had to do all along.
Things were looking good for me, and while I may feel like some parts of these past few months are a blur for me, all I knew was that I loved being able to breathe again. I loved going to bed at 11pm than 2am, even if I end up being really tired in the morning. I love hanging out with my friends again, and I love who I’m with currently. But I think I fell too much in love with the new me, because someone that I cared and loved so much had become my enemy, and unfortunately, my anger within is a huge flaw of mine. And I took that pain from the past few months prior to my new beginning and threw it all in many different forms, verbally and through my itty bitty thumbs. And now, that guilt has surely catched up to me in 2016. He knows me well enough to understand that I don’t mean what I say a lot, and when I do, I don’t do much of a good job making sense of it. Nevertheless, I beat him to his core, and that’s a scar only God can heal. Not me.
Fast forward to the present, my guilt and my fears have caught up with me once again. I let the world put an imaginary label on me, one that I believe to be true. Trust me, I am almost certain that no one thinks of me in the way I think of myself, but only God can heal that hole and truly tell me who I am to the world. And I’ll be honest, its hard for me to trust God. It was hard to trust him with my breakup, but I was so tired of the old me that I had to anyways. And its harder to trust him now because I really don’t know where I’m going from here.
Truthfully, I hate myself. I say that with a light but also a meaningful tone. But, I know I only hate myself because I feel that’s the kind of vibe I believe I’m getting from those around me (mutual friends, separate friends, etc). And I hate that. That right there proves that I’m not as close with God as I thought, and I really have to work on that. Its baby steps, really, but God truly reveals himself in mysterious ways, and I don’t take any compliment for granted because of that reason. At least I don’t try to anymore.
So really, where am I getting at with this?
Truly, we may not like the decisions we have to make. But, God knows us better than we know ourselves, and he knows whats best for us. He created us all so wonderfully, and because of that, we should love ourselves. All we hear about today is about getting to love ourselves, but you don’t really understand that until you begin to hate yourself. I want to be able to say I love myself in all areas of my life, not in just what people see from my life through the media, etc.
We may not understand why things happen for a reason, or why we say or do things we really don’t want to do, but we do understand it eventually. But when we do, there’s a kind of love that radiates from it like no other. And that’s the love of God right there. That’s the love for yourself that you kept buried in for so long.
Hope has hazards, and how we get through those hazards is all based on trust. Believe in God, and believe in yourself.