an open letter to my mother

5 years-half a decade yet the wounds are still as fresh as when they were made. The memories of that morning are still vivid as I was on my way to see your gravesite today. Walking in at 8am, hoping to see you in your bed watching Jeopardy or some other game show like you used to. But what I found instead was an empty bed, the sheets all folded up and a missing body, with Dad sitting in the chair nearby trying not to cry so much but doing a horrible job at it.

  I remember running into my room, balling my eyes out, screaming at God why this was all happening at once. I felt like I was lied to. When I was at that canoe trip with Dad and Austin, you told me the doctors would make you better, that everything would be fine. But you lied. They lied. I went to sleep that night knowing I no longer had a mother. But I didn’t know your death combined with Janelle’s just two years prior would lead me to years of problems with depression and the influence of drinking and smoking at only 13 years old.

I wish it was easy to let go of the thought of you gone, to man up like everyone told me to. This is something I should accept by now but it seems that I have troubles doing so. If only people really knew what my life was like, to lose people that were suppose to be there to help you grow and teach you things as you grew up.

 For now I can only thank God for my sufferings, from once being an atheist to a christian from a turn of events, I can only rejoice in the pain I have dealt with because of what good has come out of my sufferings. As I face another battle with what I had thought I had defeated long ago, I only know that I have a plan set and while my pain feels like forever, it will end and I will be transformed.

I miss you more and more everyday. I love you.


Published by hayleyseibel

20. Central Michigan University. World changer. Jesus lover.

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