accepting who i’ve become

The word acceptance has been on my mind lately and I’ve been trying to find a time to really write about it so I guess the time for that is now. For me, accepting things for as it is and forgiving others are both a difficult task for me. And as the time for soccer tryouts is near, I’d like to be able to throw out my feelings to the interwebs because honestly I don’t have anywhere else for them except here.

 So I might’ve thrown you off with the whole soccer tryout sentence. But its why I’ve been thinking about acceptance lately. I used to pursue a future with soccer. Sounds unbelievable, I know, but that was all I ever had planned for myself. Unfortunately, I became a bad rebel kid and I had to take Zoloft for depression for a good year and a half. Along with the need to smoke cigarettes and drink alcohol, that did some pretty good damage to my body.

Soon freshman year is coming to an end and at the last minute, I decide to switch it up and do track instead. And while track was one of the worse decisions I’ve made (at least besides the drinking and stuff), it was a real eye opener for me. I wasn’t the same soccer-player-wanna-be as I used to be. I had gained more weight due to my anti-depressants and was starting to lose a lot of confidence in myself.

I get one more shot at going back to soccer my sophomore year and I also backed out of that plan too.

Fast forwarding to present time, I’m staring off into the middle school hallway watching high school girls run down the small hallway as I stand in the drama room with a heavy feeling building up in my chest as I watch their feet hit the floor.

 I feel that maybe this was God’s plan for me in the end. After all, everything comes with a price, right? I’ve had so many opportunities to get more involved into my church like joining the worship team and start working the lights on Wednesday nights. But just like my dreams of playing soccer for Michigan State, the experience was a dream come true that soon turned to dust. But as new opportunities come my way, I tell myself that maybe this is how it was destined to be. Maybe soccer wasn’t in my future after-all.

The truth is, I just don’t know why it hurts so bad to think about soccer in general. I know that there’s something else out there for me and God has plans for my future, so why do I continue to feel so down on myself for?

 I would imagine the majority of you think at this point I’m a coward and a baby. You’re probably right honestly. But that is something I have to accept. I am not capable of the things I used to be able to do. As much as I desire to play soccer again like the good old days, there’s so much more out there for me that I have yet to experience. So as I watch classmates, acquaintances and friends push themselves through conditioning, I will turn away from my desires and push myself to new things because that is the right thing to do. Its not that I want to, but I know that moving on will lead me to much bigger opportunities in the future.

I’m not sure how to end this off after pouring my heart out onto some lame blog post but I’d at least like to thank those who take time out of their lives to read what I write. This blog turned one just a few days ago and I am glad that I decided to keep this blog going in the end. I know that compared to other’s blogs mine is pretty lame but that’s something I also have to accept (speaking of acceptance, haha).

Thank you, everyone.

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Published by hayleyseibel

20. Central Michigan University. World changer. Jesus lover.

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